Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Dog and The Rock Star

Okay, I have one child that thinks he is a dog, his head was out the window the whole day.....

I swear his tongue was hanging out...


And another kid who thinks he is a rock star, singing EVERY WORD of "so what" by P!nk....



OMG he is hilarious, he belts it out and head bangs and everything!


What a pair these two!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Taking Care

I went to the doctor today. The first time since the divorce..... First time since 2006. It's strange how I just stopped taking care of myself. I used to have my annual exams and never hesitated to check in with the doctor if my headaches or stomach issues escalated. But the last few years, I have just 'let it go.'

It really blows my mind especially since I am here with the boys by myself. No back-up, no family 15 minutes or even two hours away anymore. Here I am in the middle of rural Massachusetts where not too many people can get to me and I am taking my chances with my health.
I was thinking back to 2005 when I had that ruptured cyst and was in the hospital for 4 days. My mom and my sister were able to come help with the kids even though AD was there, I had back up. I was out of commission, but I knew the boys would be covered.

What would happen if something happened to me here, now? I have friends that could watch the boys temporarily, but no one I would feel comfortable with for any length of time.... Not to mention the worst case scenario, if I let something go long enough - like four years- and it turned into something major, and I wasn't around, what would happen to the boys? Would they go with AD? Ughh I can't stomach that thought. All of the healing that would be undone, the fear and instability they would have to live with. It breaks my heart to even think in that direction.

It's in looking at the boys to really see how far we have come since living in fear with an abusive addict. After the divorce, the boys were so angry and hesitant. 6YO and the night terrors that used to keep me up hours on end trying to console and wake him. 10YO old and the nightmares of trying to hide from his father who was trying to kill him, while I watched without attempting a rescue. Then there was 6YO's defiant behavior and 10YO's constant worrying. They have come so far and have really adjusted well to their 'new life.' To think all of this could be undone by carelessness with my health.

I gotta get my shit together and take care of myself for the boys sake if not my own. I need a kick in the ass, I gotta keep my perspective and stop thinking of taking care of myself as a luxury, otherwise all this was for nothing. We have worked too hard and come too far to let an oversight derail us now!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

See it?

This is 10YO wearing his board/skate helmet.....





Did you see it?








Then, there's 6YO. This kid is one surprise after another, whether it's a pee-gun or African dance...


He performed an African dance in the elementary school talent show, and my gosh the kid has rhythm.

Despite pee-guns and snowboard slang, they really are the best kids ever!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Lone Gun-man

Oh, ok.... Just when I think I have seen it all. Just when I think I am getting things under control. Just when I think I have the best kids ever -polite with manners- thoughtful, funny, intelligent, this happens.....



That's a miniature water gun, in 10 Yo's hand.... "Big deal" you're thinking. "So the kids had a water gun fight, so what?"

Well, the big deal is the fact that 6YO ran out of water. He unloaded his water gun on his brother and instead of coming inside to refill it he PEE-ed into it!!!

OMG, I KNOW!!! That is so wrong on so many different levels! I have so many questions!

Where did that child come from?

Whose kid is that, I mean really?

Most importantly, what exactly was the thought process behind it!? I want to know, I really do, I have to know.

Don't worry, 10YO sought refuge behind the storm door until I could talk down the pee gunman. I quickly confiscated and discarded the gun before any pee made contact with human flesh. Disaster successfully diverted.



Here is the aftermath.


10 YO is being a hell of a lot nicer than I would have been!



Ok, so we are in the car on our way to a Baseball meeting, when 6YO and I have the following convo...

ME- "What would you do if 10Yo tried to squirt you with a pee-gun?"

6YO- "He can't."

ME- "What do you mean he can't? What if he did?"

6YO- "He can't Mom it's against THE RULESSSSSS!"

ME- "Says who, who made those rules?"

6YO- In the most condescending tone you can imagine.... Well, of course "Me!" (Duh)

So, my last question.... Is this normal? Don't lie, be honest.... is it? I mean who thinks of this stuff?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Snowboard (Demi)God!!



Okay, this is Snowboard God (SBG) I realize I have not posted anything about him yet, but of course there are many funny stories surrounding this "dude" and 10YO!

Is it just me, or is this the happiest face ever on 10YO's face???? The kid bugged me all day about getting this shot.

From what I have been told, the guy is kind of a wild card, I hope for 10Yo's sake that he is around next winter... I swear, the kid really loves this guy.
10YO- "I wish SBG was my big brother."

Me- "Two reasons it cant be. 1) If he were your brother you wouldn't like him and 2) he's my age, I'm not old enough to be his mother..... but he could be your uncle.......

10YO- "No, I already have an uncle and I like him. And Mom, there is noooo way he is as old as you, he is like- dad's age or something....."
(his dad is older than me by four years)



The kid absolutely loves this guy. SBG re injured himself the day of the last school lesson and we thought he was out for the season, 10YO got weepy that night. Imagine his elation when he was getting booted up on a warm afternoon and SBG walks in. I heard a little voice whisper "Mom, look!" And over walks SBG with his gear and asks 'Lil Bro' to ride with him! It was like Christmas all over again!

I can't help but wonder if 10YO's Dad was in the picture or if we were a "normal intact" family, would he still take to SBG like this? Not that it matters, it has been a great thing for the kid, a bond he hasn't shared with anyone other than his uncle.... riding.

Now, let's just hope the kid doesn't get invited out to watch SBG race (stock cars and motor cross) this summer. I am having a hard enough time with one dangerous hobby, I can't survive another!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I love Steve-O

I loved jackass Steve-O. Even though he did some stupid ass stuff, and was using, I loved him. I loved his cute and endearing laugh.

I loved Steve-O pre-rehab, when he broad -casted himself on You Tube talking about other dimensions while totally high beyond comprehension. He was about as messed up and hopeless as ever I've seen......

But I really love sober Steve-O. It takes a strong and amazing person to recognize his need for help and to stay committed to sobriety. Steve-O seemed like the last person who would have even attempted treatment, let alone continue with it for over a year! And he still has that laugh!
It really is so amazing to me that someone like Steve-o, so utterly uninterested in sobriety can "wake up" one day.... and my husband, with two gorgeous, healthy baby boys, financial security, beautiful home, a loyal and committed wife... A beautiful young family with everything to look forward to, and he couldn't pull it together. It wasn't enough to keep him or even get him sober.....

I Love Steve-O

I found this today:



And this....



Have I mentioned I just love Steve-O!!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

a new phobia?

As the snow season is coming to an end I have one child who has begun to mourn the loss of his beloved riding time. The other child is done with everything winter and just wants spring to come..... However, in an attempt to help my first born grieve properly and sufficiently, we hit the mountain today to begin saying our goodbyes until next winter.

After a decade and three seasons of attempting to snowboard, I am back on skis.... I know, I know what an entertaining thought! I am not what I would call the most coordinated or graceful individual, but somehow I manage.

There are two reasons (besides the fact that riding is really cool - cuz I'm still cool, right?) I have contemplated the thought of skiing or boarding:

1) To supervise.... There is something very unsettling about two six year olds traveling up the lifts and choosing from a multitude of trails all of varying degrees of difficulty.

2) I have taken all of the photos I can take of the boys on the bunny hill. And of course, the other shots that I have taken from the bottom of the runs are getting pretty monotonous, I have them all....


6YO at the bottom of the trail smiling He is smiling in there I know it


6YO at the bottom of the trail turning


6YO at the bottom of the trail as he flies by me.....
as you can imagine they go on and on, I literally have hundreds like these, no lie - I do.....

Okay, so we have two benefits of me skiing, however with those benefits come MAJOR drawbacks...

Positive- parental supervision
Negative- parental fear for the life of her beloved and precious children!


That's right, it seems that I did not realize how beneficial my ignorance really was. Having only been on the bunny hill in the last decade, I had forgotten how one gets to the top of the mountain..... I am enlightened now- now I have seen first hand- how short my 6YO is compared to the height of the chair lifts. I have seen the little 'hop' he has to take at just the right moment in order to get his butt up on the seat. I have seen 6YO and 10YO lean forward- hence down- to watch as the snow falls 50 feet to the ground from their boots...... Yes, I have a new phobias, and it is my children on chair lifts!!!



As if that was not bad enough, I have also seen my children, my beloved flesh and blood, race down the mountain without any regard to boundaries or speed 'limits.' Not that they are reckless, but they have no fear towards that which they feel capable, and let me tell you, it is so scary to watch. But yes, they are extremely capable -that still doesn't make it easy for a mom to watch!
That's a half pipe 6YO just jumped into... without me!!Now I'm sure you're asking "why so many shots of 10YO, compared to 6YO?"

This brings me to problem #2..... I CAN'T KEEP UP!

Yep, that's right they "swoosh" right on by me. No matter how much of a head start I get, they catch up, taunt, and then 'whoosh' they get as close as they possible can to me without running me over and then they are gone. I am left to ponder the fact that my children really are that much more athletic than I.

10YO wants pictures of his jumps and tricks, so he pulls over and waits for me or he does a 'do over' for me when I arrive. (I get great satisfaction out of him hop, hop, hopping back UP the mountain to redo a jump for the cameras, even if it is only a point and shoot!)

So, it's the end of the weekend, I have experienced an array of emotions and am left quite drained....


Excited that I got some new shots... Scared that my children will fall of the lift, side of the mountain, or hit a tree while skiing/riding... Terrified that I may orphan my children if I ever attempt to do an "easy" black diamond again.... (that's a great story to come later.... did you know there was a such thing as an 'easy' black diamond???? Yeah, well I didn't either but somehow I got suckered in, how hard could it really be??? my kids are going.....)

But most of all proud. Proud that my offspring have found a healthy past time to occupy them during the cold winter months. Proud that they have mastered a sport they enjoy! Proud when my kids come flying down the mountain and others around watch impressed by their talent and grace!

Now I just need to find a past time that will help take my mind off all of the risks I am subjecting them to every time they 'swoosh' away!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why some species really eat their young....

-
He's smart, funny, loving, polite and very well could be the BEST-KID-EVER... well until this...

Sometimes, he says things that make me wonder if he is secretly trying to get back at me for the time when he was 3 and I put him in a pink tutu -just for a minute-to get 'a couple of quick photographs' (I had to get a light reading for a shoot later that day- I swear!!) or if he is just totally oblivious.





Let me set the scene. It was Saturday morning. The local ski/board store was having an end of season sale, 40% off! The 10 Year Old was physced to find a new board, he had been saving for months.

So I rolled out of bed, put on yoga pants, sweat shirt, smartwool socks (they are my new favorite piece of clothing- a must for a New England winter,) and threw on some sunglasses to cover the dark circles under my eyes. I loaded 10 YO and 6YO into the truck, skipped my coffee stop, and drove straight to the store..... after all it was a good sale and there were only a limited number of "grom" boards to be had. Thinking back, I don't think I even brushed my hair, we had to go, go, go and I was looking hot hot hot!

We get to the store and the boys go directly downstairs to where everything snowboard lives. We were the first to arrive.

Right away, 10YO finds a board, he holds it up next to him and says "I like this one." About that time one of the available sales guys came over. He was definitely a boarder, you could tell- not at all uptight like the skiers seem to be.... We will call him Snowboard Dude. SBD starts in on 10YO. They click immediately. He's kinda cute in a "he's totally not my type, he's good with kids, but I am happily off the market" kinda way.....

For at least 10 minutes, the two talk boards, rails, and bindings and I sneak upstairs to feed my smartwool sock addiction and to escape all of that 'bro' bonding crap.

When I return, the two - 10YO and SBD- are best buds and content- having expressed a comfortable number of Spicoli-esq exchanges. Upon seeing me the YO's ask if they can wait in the car while I completed the purchase. Ok, finally- we are on our way out, that means COFFEE!

But wait, not so fast!

SBD starts talking my ear off about how 10YO's new board might be a little too large for him. .... There's more board to dig into the snow, more board to move, which will be more work and may mean sore legs the first few rides. He explains that 10YO might notice a significant difference riding this size of a board and to watch to make sure he does not get discouraged- After all, we wouldn't want to loose a young snowboarder to skiing-GASP!

Ok, so those aren't the exact words he used but I think I translated it pretty good -I think- I will admit though that when he explained it did sound much cooler and hip with words like "dude" and "shredding" thrown in.

Anyway, SBD tells me that he rides with kids and starts throwing out all of his credentials - single dad of 6 year old- coaches soccer- judges the freestyle contests-etc etc etc.

Then he asks me if I ride. (uh-oh, here it comes)


Wait! For real, is this guy really going to hit on me? I look like total trash, have not had my coffee and i think the corner of my pant leg is tucked into my bright orange wool sock!!! hmm, no way that's not what's about to happen!

I go onto explain how I used to ski way back when - from the age of 14 to maybe 21- when I was a lot less proud and didn't mind making a total ass out of myself skiing down the bunny hill with an instructor yelling "PIZZA! PI-ZZ-A!!!" behind me. I told him that over the last couple of years I tried to "switch" to riding a but it never really stuck. However, I did not tell him that maybe it didn't 'stick' because I was traumatized by my baby (baby by a whole decade) brothers' best friend putting the moves on me while trying to show me how to carve.... maybe I was too disturbed and wondering if I was really old enough to be a MILF, that I couldn't focus on really trying to dig in- I dunno it's the theory I'm sticking to, I like it better than just not being coordinated enough to pick up what 10YO mastered 3 years ago....

10YO scampered back in and SBD went to work on binding placement-
'what we're not done yet?'
Meanwhile SBD continues on and proceeds to offer his assistance with 10YO and his new board and wait! SBD can help me learn to ride also.
Hmmm I think he is suggesting something, but I play dumb- I am really good at that.
So he finishes up, I pay (YESSS!- coffee time) then IT happens. The blatant-balls out proposition....

It went something like this:
SBD-
"Just stop back in if you want me to ride with him"
ME-
not making any eye contact, not even looking in his direction "hm- ok- thanks, he would probably like that."
SBD- "Then maybe you would let me take you to dinner?"
ME-
HUH- what? Wait? In front of my kid, really? "UH- uhh.... I don't think so, that's not a good idea." Awkward- like totally uncomfortable LONG pause and eye contact avoidance.
ME- "My boyfriend would not like that." - easy, polite, direct- leaving no room for interpretation....

Ready for this one?
You sure? I'm not... I cringe just thinking about it!

10YO- "Yeah my dad didn't like it either."

OH YES HE DID!
Whoa!!! Ok my angelic, almost perfect, firstborn child..... let's get the hell out of here, like- NOW so that I can proceed to eat you the way I should have at the moment of your birth.
Me- "EXCUSE ME? WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
So now, I have totally blown the recovery of any shred of humility I have left, my reaction said everything that 10YO did not mean!!!
SBD- chuckles and politely says- "No worries dude, I didn't hear anything." - note he was speaking directly to 10YO NOT me, the girl he was just propositioning in front of what had become -a full and bustling room of boarders most of which were waiting on SBD and his expertise!!

10YO and I haul serious ass up the stairs. I don't even glance in SBD's direction, not even a little. Actually, I believe my eyes were closed until I got outside...... "if i can't see him, he can't see me" kind of thing
10YO seems confused...."Well, he didn't like it when you had friends that were boys, he still doesn't..." the poor kid stammered as I suddenly understood what his comment meant. I wondered if I could somehow get him to repeat those same words back to SBD and the room full of boarders in the basement so that he- so that they all "get it."
What is that about???? I decided - rather rationally -that anything my spawn or I could say would only be more humiliating, besides who was this guy anyway????
Here is what I learned from this....
1) See how I jump right back to being defensive? To this day, AD blames me for our split, swearing I had to have cheated. Why else would I have left him, I mean really- what's a couple of black eye's, a drug addiction, and a girlfriend on the side? He was the ultimate catch- I would never leave on my own accord!!!! 10YO's comment put me right back in that defensive mode before I even stopped to think about what he was trying to say.... 10YO spoke the truth, of course AD didn't like me having friends that were boys, whether we were married, living in the same state, or 900 miles apart....
sigh.....
2) my first born is just brilliant and quite possibly THE-BEST-KID-EVER!!!



So that brings us to now. ....

10YO loves his board despite SBD's warning of discouragement over it's size. 10YO got his terrain park pass and started rails and jumping.....It was there he found and connected with SBG (Snowboard God) but that's a whole other post!

As for me, I speed up, blush AND close my eyes every time I drive by the ski/board shop. Then I come home and hug my best friend, ever so thankful that he "gets it" without me having to explain it...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Reflections



- Photo- Baby and me three months pre-divorce, taken by AD





Ahhh here we go again. I started going through my old CD's of photos today. I have been really trying to get moving on a photography blog to try to supplement things financially so I figured I would pull out some old photos to post. I discovered two things:



1) I took some really good photos
2) I miss my 'old' life....



I know, I know, I must be crazy to miss it. But the photos make all of it look so good. The photos of the family trip to the pumpkin patch. AD holding up the baby to pet the different farm animals. AD and AX relaxing in the hay during the hay ride. The boys and I sitting on our great pumpkin selections...... The well kept and neatly trimmed hair cuts the boys were sporting because, back then, I had the time (think- SAHM) and money to take them for their haircuts without worrying it would cut into the grocery budget. I look at the photos of the perfectly polished floors, all done by hand (mine of course, no one else would get it quite right!) The neatly vacuumed carpets and the sparkling clean kitchen in the backgrounds.... The smiles on the boys faces, the laughter, the intact family in the burbs.
Here is a picture of 'the baby' two weeks ago, bad hair and all.... it's even worse now!






Is it just me or do the boys look a little sad in photographs these days? The house, is definitely a disaster compared to 'the old days' and of course their hair..... that's a whole crisis in itself!They have the 'shaggy dog' do goin on ..... My how things change!


It all appears so perfect in the photos of 'our old life.' As long as you don't know that the hole in the knee of my jeans was from the time AD drug me across the driveway after pulling me out of the truck and taking my purse/car keys to keep me from leaving. Or the oddly placed painting in the hallway that was actually covering five holes that AD punched in the wall -instead of me (should I have thanked him?) This also was a night I told him I had to leave unless he got help.

I miss the smiles on the faces of the boys when they were still innocent. Before AX had to call 911 because his dad was hurting his mom. Before Luke put his boots on over his PJ's in the middle of a snow storm to go "wook for daddy" two weeks after I had gotten a protection order to insure our safety when he was finally served with the divorce papers.

I miss my family, my friends, my gym, my trainer (motivator,) my church, my CHRP sisters, my dog, my photo clients, my neighbors, my home, the burbs, and Father Dan.

Believe it or not, I still really miss my old life.




Pathetic, I know.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Better Today

It's so funny how the emotions come and go. There is a power struggle raging inside of me. A power struggle between victim and survivor.

The post from the other day encompasses so many fears and insecurities that I have today, however the concerns I listed seem so minor compared to what they were four years ago. Four years ago, I was sitting at home with two young boys wondering when or even if my husband would be coming home, and if he did, would he be looking for a fight?

Sometimes I loose sight of the progress I have made the last five years. The daily myriad of unhealthy emotions that ruled every breathe of my being, everyday. I was so unhealthy, physically and emotionally. My "normal" was so frightening, demeaning, and painful. My body and soul were beaten down, destroyed and I lived with it day in and day out.

I was committed to staying with a man who lied, cheated, and hit me; all in the name of marriage. I had more respect for the sacrament than I did for myself. I allowed him the security of a faithful wife because of the fear I carried with me over my children growing up without a father.

I believed he wanted to change. I believed he could change. I believed if I stood by him, he would have the strength to change. Instead, my commitment to him enabled him to continue his lifestyle and everything that went with it.

With the help of so many precious souls surrounding me during this time, I gradually woke up. I may get down and discouraged now, but look at where I am.... look at where we are. We are in a safe home. We have food, shelter,and most importantly, each other. I don't sit in bed on pins and needles listening for the growl of his car pulling down the court. I don't hide cash or car keys anymore, I leave them in my truck! I don't keep my "eyes open" for drugs when cleaning nooks and crannies. I don't pretend I am asleep when I hear the front door open. I don't keep a bag packed with clothes for the boys and I in the back of the truck. I don't worry where my guy is or who he's with when I call him and his phone rings and rings.... I don't wonder if his hands have touched anyone else today, or if he's sincere with his words. I don't hesitate to leave him with Alex while I run out for groceries, nor do I dread running out for groceries because of the likely interrogation to follow.

I may not be where I hoped I would be at this point in my life, but you know what? Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine a situation like what I am in today... Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine being as lucky as I am today, to have the people I have had touch my spirit along the way. This kind of life was that of others, it was a kind of life that I knew nothing about in my reality. It was the kind of life that other people had, the kind of security I did not know with AD.

I have much work to do. I am not where I could be, but I am where I need to be right now.
I am truly blessed.


And..... W is the one that reminded me of all this. She is the one that brought these thoughts back into conscienceness. Her slight nudge to get me to lighten up on myself and step back to really see.... I love W.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Love...

I heard something interesting this morning.....

"Love is not just a feeling, it is an action."

Just think about it for a second.
I don't even know where to start.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Blindsided

OK, I am feeling a little (OK, a lot) selfish. Finding out that W could be really sick totally blindsided me. I was not expecting anything of this sort, nothing even close.

I am feeling like the worst person in the world because of my reaction. My first thought was "oh no, not now. We're not done, not even close to being done. We are just beginning, beginning the mentor/men tee relationship." I have felt from the first days that we were put together for a reason. Despite all of the differences, there is this connection, an admiration that I have for all that she has done, all she has learned and all that she believes. I have so much to learn from her, she has so much to make me learn.....

The interaction we have had has taken on this strange sort of give and take. She guides me with probing questions that as I answer, I gain insight into my 'quirks.' She encourages me and has become an advocate of mine, at the same time, as all of this development is taking place on my side, she is continuing her character research, her 'people studies.' She asks question with specific motives behind them..... Insight, she really wants to understand and 'insider knowledge' that I really want her to have.

So I humor, and actually long for her questions because I love where they lead me. I love to hear her take, I love knowing that I am lending insight to someone who truly longs for it.

I thought about how I don't want to see her hurt and go through a physical deterioration. I don't want to watch her deal with pain and fear. I thought about how sensitive she is and how she will worry about all of those around her.

"No, no, no!" I thought, "Not W. Not my friend, not this beautiful woman I look up to! Not yet, we're not done!"

And then I quieted the outrage in my head and thought "Wait, have I somehow made this all about me? What about Winslow!"

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Procrastination and Change

Hmmmmm… I was in the shower wondering why I am procrastinating with EVERYTHING. Working out, pictures, writing, working on the house…… What was it that I had before that allowed me to take such pride in my physical health and wellbeing? Was I more confident?- maybe. I stopped being really dedicated after I found out about NK in 03. Maybe it was that blow to my ego that made me feel I wasn’t worth it. Maybe D was right that day that he said “everything changed when you found out AD cheated on you. You stopped caring about you. Almost as if to say “why bother, it’s not enough anyway.”

Am I lazy now? Have I really turned into one of those people I used to hate? The one that complains about things, but can’t seem to do anything to change it? I always thought that they were full of excuses, that they were just lazy or lacked motivation. I am that person now, looking for every excuse in the book everything - from time to money.

Am I so afraid to fail that I don’t even try? Am I so afraid that if I try and fail then everything AD said will be true, that I can’t make it on my own? Am I afraid of what AD told me becoming a reality, or do I already believe it? By not doing anything, aren’t I simply living up to his expectations? Am I allowing him to shape my thinking even now? Am I still stuck in the oppressive mind frame?

So what does that all mean? I just sit here and stop trying to move forward just to sit and wait for someone or something to move forward with me, for me? Is that what I am doing? Where is my passion, my spark? When did I become one of those people content on just getting by?

Is what I’m telling AX hypocritical? When I tell him to just go out and try, not to be afraid of failing, all the clich├ęs that I spew at him and I can’t even lead by example? What the heck am I teaching him, that it’s ok to be paralyzed by what others say or think? That it’s ok to not try, to be limited by your fears? I truly believe and always have that you teach best what you most need to learn…….

Could I be overwhelmed? Is it a legitimate thing, to just be so overwhelmed that your become hopeless? Am I hopeless? Am I just hoping that somehow things will just happen? That photo clients will just start rolling in, that my body will simply morph back into being hard? Am I waiting for the confidence to just magically re-appear?

I can do all the things I have been putting off…..
I can get into incredible shape and be healthy
I can take great photos
I can care for my boys
I can make friends
I can make this town our home
I can write
I can give my heart completely
I can risk it all
And- I can heal.
……I have done all of these things in the past, I am capable of doing them all again. I deserve to do them all, to live them all again.

What am I doing? What am I waiting for? What am I so scared of?

I know I am deserving, I know I am, but maybe it is just more if I stand up, brush myself off and then move on, then what? Am I afraid of not being held down, of not being the victim anymore? Is that it? Is it that I have been a victim for so long, and had that mentality, that if I move past it, beyond it, then what do I become? What will my role be then? I know I am a “good” victim. I have mastered this role, what if I am not as good at the next one? Is that my problem? Is this my hang up? Have I become content with this role from my past?

Oh my god, what is the big deal? I can do this, I can do all these things, I have done and dealt with so much worse. Am I just going to allow myself to stay stuck? I have to do for myself, I have to do for the boys. I have to rise above my past and become better for it, not paralyzed in it.