Monday, July 18, 2011

Past, Present, and Future

I found this quote today:
"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future."

The thing is - I don't want my brother to be my past. He should be the future. He was the future, not me..... He is supposed to be here. If one of us should not be - it should be me, not him. He would be 25 not 36. I have my children who are my future - but what about his? He should not be my past - he should be someone's future. I should have nieces or nephews that when I look into their eyes, I see my brother and the next generation of him. It should not stop with him. He should not be my past. He should be my present and someone's future.......

I just don't understand.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

reality & quilts

I have a pile of my brothers clothes in the corner of my room. Everyday I see them over there - stacked up cluttering my room. T-shirts, polos, goalie shirts.....all just sitting there.

I have a stack of my brother's clothes in the corner because I am supposed to be making a quilt out of them. I am supposed to be cutting them up into nice neat squares so that they can be sewn together into a quilt that will last "forever" or at least years to come. Because, you know - my brother didn't. He didn't last and now I have a stack of his clothes that I look at everyday sitting in my room. And I am supposed to cut them up - I am supposed to all but destroy the little I have left - physically- of my little brother, to make a quilt?

I have my dead brothers clothes sitting in my room to make a fucking quilt with...... FUCK.