It really blows my mind especially since I am here with the boys by myself. No back-up, no family 15 minutes or even two hours away anymore. Here I am in the middle of rural Massachusetts where not too many people can get to me and I am taking my chances with my health.
I was thinking back to 2005 when I had that ruptured cyst and was in the hospital for 4 days. My mom and my sister were able to come help with the kids even though AD was there, I had back up. I was out of commission, but I knew the boys would be covered.
What would happen if something happened to me here, now? I have friends that could watch the boys temporarily, but no one I would feel comfortable with for any length of time.... Not to mention the worst case scenario, if I let something go long enough - like four years- and it turned into something major, and I wasn't around, what would happen to the boys? Would they go with AD? Ughh I can't stomach that thought. All of the healing that would be undone, the fear and instability they would have to live with. It breaks my heart to even think in that direction.
It's in looking at the boys to really see how far we have come since living in fear with an abusive addict. After the divorce, the boys were so angry and hesitant. 6YO and the night terrors that used to keep me up hours on end trying to console and wake him. 10YO old and the nightmares of trying to hide from his father who was trying to kill him, while I watched without attempting a rescue. Then there was 6YO's defiant behavior and 10YO's constant worrying. They have come so far and have really adjusted well to their 'new life.' To think all of this could be undone by carelessness with my health.
I gotta get my shit together and take care of myself for the boys sake if not my own. I need a kick in the ass, I gotta keep my perspective and stop thinking of taking care of myself as a luxury, otherwise all this was for nothing. We have worked too hard and come too far to let an oversight derail us now!
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