It's so funny how the emotions come and go. There is a power struggle raging inside of me. A power struggle between victim and survivor.
The post from the other day encompasses so many fears and insecurities that I have today, however the concerns I listed seem so minor compared to what they were four years ago. Four years ago, I was sitting at home with two young boys wondering when or even if my husband would be coming home, and if he did, would he be looking for a fight?
Sometimes I loose sight of the progress I have made the last five years. The daily myriad of unhealthy emotions that ruled every breathe of my being, everyday. I was so unhealthy, physically and emotionally. My "normal" was so frightening, demeaning, and painful. My body and soul were beaten down, destroyed and I lived with it day in and day out.
I was committed to staying with a man who lied, cheated, and hit me; all in the name of marriage. I had more respect for the sacrament than I did for myself. I allowed him the security of a faithful wife because of the fear I carried with me over my children growing up without a father.
I believed he wanted to change. I believed he could change. I believed if I stood by him, he would have the strength to change. Instead, my commitment to him enabled him to continue his lifestyle and everything that went with it.
With the help of so many precious souls surrounding me during this time, I gradually woke up. I may get down and discouraged now, but look at where I am.... look at where we are. We are in a safe home. We have food, shelter,and most importantly, each other. I don't sit in bed on pins and needles listening for the growl of his car pulling down the court. I don't hide cash or car keys anymore, I leave them in my truck! I don't keep my "eyes open" for drugs when cleaning nooks and crannies. I don't pretend I am asleep when I hear the front door open. I don't keep a bag packed with clothes for the boys and I in the back of the truck. I don't worry where my guy is or who he's with when I call him and his phone rings and rings.... I don't wonder if his hands have touched anyone else today, or if he's sincere with his words. I don't hesitate to leave him with Alex while I run out for groceries, nor do I dread running out for groceries because of the likely interrogation to follow.
I may not be where I hoped I would be at this point in my life, but you know what? Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine a situation like what I am in today... Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine being as lucky as I am today, to have the people I have had touch my spirit along the way. This kind of life was that of others, it was a kind of life that I knew nothing about in my reality. It was the kind of life that other people had, the kind of security I did not know with AD.
I have much work to do. I am not where I could be, but I am where I need to be right now.
I am truly blessed.
And..... W is the one that reminded me of all this. She is the one that brought these thoughts back into conscienceness. Her slight nudge to get me to lighten up on myself and step back to really see.... I love W.