I only recently gave him the link to this blog. I think I hesitated because I never really intended anyone to read this; it was more of an outlet to vent really. Okay, that was not my only intention. I really intended to only blog about my experience with domestic violence and the process of healing that has followed. Somehow it has morphed into lots of other things…. My day to day, things the kids say, and incredibly embarrassing situations I find myself in, upon other things. Well, lots of other things except my boyfriend, parents and siblings. Let’s focus on the boyfriend – the squeaky wheel of the bunch- we will call him NY.
I had just blogged “now is greater than the whole of the past” and decided it was time to send NY the link. People were actually reading and commenting on my entries and it just didn’t feel right to keep NY in the dark when virtual strangers were befriending me. So the morning after I wrote the above entry, I sent him the link. Later that afternoon, the phone rang and it was NY. “Uh-oh….. it must be good if he is calling before the sun has set.” (we tend to avoid conversation during weekday daylight hours) Here is the conversation that followed-
NY- I have questions.
Me- Uh okay?
NY- There’s nothing about me.
Now, my first instinct was to point out that his statement was not actually a question, but I held back- can’t kick a dog when he’s down right?
So this exclusion has led to a running joke between NY and I. *Side note* that’s what we do, NY and me- we joke and laugh and say things that real grown ups just don’t say. But anyway, he said things like:
“Everyone got a post. Your co-worker, Kenver dude, SBG (snow board god,) even your EX got a post!......”
Now he has ammo and a good point! You see, anytime we are at odds over whose turn it is to get out of bed for coffee, run out and pick up dinner, or clean up the tiling tools he pulls it out. Instead of Paper, Scissors, Spock it’s “Don’t worry, I’ll do it, maybe then you’ll blog about me.” And for some reason, it usually works and I give in to the undesirable task we both wish to avoid.
So, I started thinking. Why have I barely mentioned him? He is right up there with my kids, parents/siblings, and air. What’s the deal? So I set out weeks ago to blog about him. But – you guessed it- I got nothin. Nothing was coming to me. I started entries at least a dozen times and I end up starring at my laptop only to find myself distracted and clicking on the entertainment tabs on my home page…”Facts of Life cast, where are they now?”
Tonight, while matching up hundreds of socks – do you know I hate matching socks more than anything in this world?
Do you know that I have gone out and bought socks for the last two months instead of matching them?
Anyway, back to NY…. While I was matching dreadful socks tonight, it came to me. How do you sit down to write about your best friend? Sure, I can tell you about him, he's hot, funny, and very trust worthy...... but how can I possibly put my heart into words? I don’t think if I wrote it, I could do him justice. Anything I say will fall short; anything I say will only trivialize what’s in my heart. It would be like trying to explain to someone how you make your heart pump blood. The thought of not having him in my life takes my breath away and fills my chest with a dreadful heaviness. I once had to seriously consider not having him in my life. I had to choose to leap or not. You know the story…. Leap and risk everything –your heart, your home town, your faith in someone -or don’t and walk away. I almost walked away. I drove 900 miles with two kids and a U-Haul to New England then back to Ohio two days later. When I got back to Ohio, and faced the reality of my decision, I felt like a part of me had died. For real, I did. I could not imagine what the next day would be without him as my best friend and partner. That’s when I re -loaded and drove back to New England again that night….. (That also turned into a joke…. I guess for awhile I went from being known as “Ohio” to “u-haul” among his colleagues….. and every once in a while one of them will act surprised when my name comes up and will say something like "oh she's still here?")
But anyway, how do you put into words, your feelings about someone who you think the world of? Someone who allows you to be yourself with absolutely no fear of betrayal. Someone who has gently held you up when you thought nothing could. Someone who walked you through the most dark time of your life while opening your eyes to see that it really was a blessing? Someone who you can laugh with, cry with, and act ridicules and totally inappropriate with. Someone with flaws and quirks that only make you love him more? Someone who loves you even though you drop a 2X4 on his head and are an hour late picking him up from the train station…… How do you adequately express feelings for someone that has become a part of you in a way you did not know possible? Someone you love ‘because of’ not ‘ despite of’ How do you explain your feelings towards someone who makes you feel real, someone who makes it ok to like yourself? How do you express your feelings for someone you don’t want to change, someone who you love every detail of?
You don’t. You don’t and you can't- explain it at all, you can only hope that everyone can be so lucky to experience it for themselves - so that they just “know” what it is you are trying to explain.