Friday, June 22, 2012

Change- in the wrong direction....

I feel like I am turning into the kind of person I used to hate.... bitter - cynical..the kind of person I didn't want to be around.  I used to tell those people to forgive, or to savor the positive and blessings - that to let past hurts haunt you only make you the loser.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, pick yourself up and get on with things.  It happened, it's over -now move on.  And I felt mostly justified for saying those things, after all look at what I had escaped.  Look at what I had lived but managed to come back from.  How ignorant I was.

Even when Jimmy died and it had been 6 or 7 months, I wanted Ally back.  I told her "Jimmy's dead - WE are still alive." I had no idea........ I had no clue what I was talking about.  How presumptuous I had been..... how dare I say that to her?  How dare I think for even a second that I could empathize with her?  I had no idea and I apologized to her for that shortly after Shane's death.  (And sometimes I wonder if that is what this is all about but that's a whole other thought process all together...)  So as much as I want to take my own arrogant advice - I am stuck.  I am stuck and I can not help but mourn for the past.  I mean my brother, my mother - for Gods sake it's my family.... how am I supposed to say "life goes on?"  I don't want it to go on - I want my old life back.  I want my family back and I do not want life to go on any other way.  In that sense, I can empathize  my mom. She felt the same way, I am sure of it.  She did not want life to go on without Shane, and now it doesn't..... It makes sense to me, her death.  In that fucked up way, it makes perfect sense to me.  I do feel that if I still "believed," if my faith had not been shattered -that I would be more at peace.  If I trusted that I would be reunited with them, I would be more able to enjoy the time I have left and maybe wouldn't be so bitter.  If I could believe I would see them again then I might be able to embrace life again.  But my faith is gone - maybe not gone - but not automatic anymore.  I do want proof.  I can't "just believe."  It didn't matter before if I was wrong and foolish for believing in God - it didn't determine whether or not I would ever see my brother again....  Now it matters.  NOW it means a whole hell of a lot if I'm wrong - and that's where I'm stuck.  I want to just believe - I want to be happy and trusting again - I really do - but I just can not feel it and I can not force myself to feel it either - and that really pisses me off too....

1 comment:

  1. Sweet girl, your faith may have been shattered but it doesn't mean it is gone. It just may be hard to find and I am convinced that God holds the pieces of it until we are ready to let him help us put it back together. You have suffered incredibly losses that would rock the most steadfast among us. No, you can't force faith through the door of your heart but you can let it follow you...softly. Be patient with yourself and tell God how you absolutely cannot do it alone. He already knows. Love to you. I hope I "see" you again one day here and get to find out how you are, today. Love from a long-lost fellow blogging friend.