I found this quote today:
"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future."
The thing is - I don't want my brother to be my past. He should be the future. He was the future, not me..... He is supposed to be here. If one of us should not be - it should be me, not him. He would be 25 not 36. I have my children who are my future - but what about his? He should not be my past - he should be someone's future. I should have nieces or nephews that when I look into their eyes, I see my brother and the next generation of him. It should not stop with him. He should not be my past. He should be my present and someone's future.......
I just don't understand.
I don't understand, either. I have come to understand that I will never understand. But I have had lots of years to process. My sister died needlessly, too. While she took her own life, she cried out enormously for help. But the very people who had abused and neglected her did so once more and eventually she left this earth. I lost my first baby, too, after four years of infertility. That made no sense to me - ever. It gave me a massive crisis of faith the questions that could not be answered. I came to rest in the reality that no platitude or answer would EVER explain the inexplicable. That is when I began to trust again. But not perfectly. I still understand so little about so much but I feel God DOES understand that and I keep it real with him. No flowery prayers for me. I straight up tell Him like it is - like He already KNOWS it is so I try to never posture. May He gently touch your wounded heart and begin to heal it. I hope that has happened in the long interval between your last post and now. I have been gone forever due to a surgery that went terribly awry but, as I return, I have gone through my blogroll to check on those I lost during that time. I was heartsick to hear of your losses but I hope you know someone is praying for you.
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