Wasted time?

Its 9PM, the boys are sound asleep and here I sit at my computer….. I just wrote a note to 10YO in his “after school instruction notebook.” This is the notebook I leave sitting at the front door outlining the responsibilities he must take care of before I get home from work. Usually it reads something like:

Dear 10YO,
I hope your day was a good one! Fix yourself a snack and get started on your homework. When your homework is done make sure you
1-take the trash out
2- empty the dishwasher
3-dirty dishes into washer
4-make sure your room is straightened up
Remember, soccer tonight! Be dressed and ready to go when I get home in 45 minutes!
Love you tons,
Mom
REMEMBER!!!! NO TV OR Wii!!!!

I had a visit with a dear friend this afternoon and here is the letter I just composed:

Dear 10YO,
I hope you had a good day! Fix a snack and don’t start on your homework before I get home. Sit and do nothing if you want….stare at the ceiling even but enjoy it whatever you choose! If you would rather read –go ahead…. Whatever you want to do. I will figure out your chores when I get home, until then enjoy the time to yourself. Do what you want –just veg out and relax, we will take care of all the boring stuff later.
I set out your soccer stuff if you want to change before I get home.
I love you ,
Mom

While venting to my friend about how I got home from work yesterday and 10YO's homework and chores were not done. I was about to begin a rant when she stopped dead in her tracks and exclaimed “WHAT?! HOW HORRIBLE! Oh my gosh HE’S a KID! Let him zone out –let him do absolutely nothing –stare at the ceiling if he wants but he needs to unwind after school!”

I took a step back and tried to register whether the problem was that he did -or did not do the chores…. She was talking so fast and so loud- I had a hard time comprehending her words. Finally it started to register…. I was being insensitive to my childs natural tendencies! She went on to say how she was a big believer in kids needing time after school to relax. She explained how after being told what to do all day he should be allowed to come home and relax before starting into the rigors of responsibilities….. Needless to say, after about five minutes I was shocked at myself for being so insensitive to his needs as a child. That’s right... he is after all –A CHILD! He is a good one at that. He knows responsibility; he works hard, and obeys….. He is not an unruly –out of control spoiled brat. My extremely wise friend suggested I make a new rule –no homework or chores until I get home.

It was extremely difficult to “let go” of him being productive and accomplishing tasks all day. However, as soon as her words resonated, it was simple to see the situation through her eyes and say to myself “Oh my gosh –she’s so right.”

It’s a precious thing when you are connected to someone in such a way that they say exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it….. and they don’t even mean to.

All grown up...

Okay, not really -but look!!

Oh yeah, they are home -safe and sound. I will post something from their homecoming last week -I am behind, it's been a whirlwind around here!

The Bird's Nest

I tried it..... it's not as easy as it looks

-or I just lack the grace and discipline to pull off such a pose

Buzzing

My 6YO is one of those kids who does not seem physically afraid of anything. He is not one of those kids who shrieks and pulls away when an over anxious dog rushes him and he won't jump away when a snake slithers out of the brush. No, he is one of those kids who seems to think fear is a weakness so even if he was afraid, he would never show it.....

Except when it comes to BEES! As soon as he hears the "buzzzzz" he freaks. A giant boa constrictor? Bring it on!! But a tiny fuzzy bee? No place is safe!

He is terrified of bees. I think it goes back to when he was 18 months old and he was stung by two bees, one after the other. The first right smack dab in the middle of his forehead and the other on his temple. I remember that day. We were at 10YO's soccer game and the fields were swarming with bumble bees. When he got stung, he cried and I watched as his forehead and temple swelled to the size of a walnut and then I did what any mother would do... I took pictures, yep that's right, I took a few shots before I put the camera down to comfort him.

And that was the beginning of a phobia.... My baby got stung by two huge bumble bees and I took pictures of his wounds. How sick is that?

Anyway, he just hasn't been the same since... Poor kid.

But despite his fear of bees and my cold hearted reaction to this (very legitamate) fear of his -he still manages to fake a smile for me!

Oh how I miss that smile!

I think when they get home from thier dad's I will put the camera away for awhile -ok, maybe just a day or two. Experiances like that are character builders, right?

Days until the next character building opportunity:

20!

Flashback...

Background: After 23 days and attempting to lessen the feelings of loss that seem to be growing with each passing day, I decided to distract myself with photos. I have hundreds of photos stored various places documenting the numerous activities that took place the weeks prior to the boys departing. So, I will post some of my favorites...

Find what's unusual with this photo....

It's not blatantly obvious.

Hint: Look at the shot below.....

(The 2nd baseman in the bright blue jersey is my 10YO )

Now look at #1 one again.....

Okay, give up? Here is a clue.

10YO and I nicknamed the kid in photo #1 "gigantor" or "humongousaurus" Does that help?

Let's be clear though, we speak at of the utmost respect, we are not making fun of this boy -who happens to be an INCREDIBLE baseball player by the way.

Actually, my boy and I are kind of envious. See, I am 5'2 and my ex maybe 5'9.... so 10YO is destined to be little.

Ahh well, that's it for my evening photo reflection from a June baseball game.... I had to laugh when I came across the photo and thought I would share.

Please don't think less of me.

22 days!

Silence

24 Days and Counting

My Fortune....

Went to my favorite Chinese restaurant with my most cherished companion the other night, this was my fortune...

"Your deeds speak so much louder than another's words."

I hope this holds true even when the words are spoken by a charming and convincing sociopath who showers you with gifts and lets you do things your other parent always says "NO WAY" to.....

Quiet

It's way too quiet. Too quiet here -in this house- and on the phone with my 10YO.

Something is not right. All I get are one word answers but worse than that is his voice -it's horrible, just horrible. I talk to them at bedtime everyday and each day he has sounded worse than the day before.

Now I know that my wise and level headed better half would tell me "he's fine. Things are different and he's just getting used to it- give him a week or so." Which means he's thinking "she's a little paranoid and a lot over protective. She has to let it go and stop reading into things."

But the thing is, I know my kids -especially that kid. I can read him with my eyes closed. Something didn't necessarily happen, but something is bothering him. He is the type of kid whose feelings get hurt if the lifeguard tells him to stop running at the pool, so obviously he is extremely sensitive and very prone to worrying about the smallest things.

I know something is off, he is worried about something; everything in me tells me so. Not only do I hear it in his voice and in his words -or lack thereof- but I feel it. Everything inside of me tells me so and I can't get the kid on the phone without someone (his dad) hovering over his every word.....

And they have only been gone one week.... one week today, actually -not that I'm keeping track or anything.

I am so distracted I can't even focus MJ's memorial -you know the important stuff.

But 6YO was much more enthusiastic , wide awake, and responsive tonight despite having a "sugar-less day" as punishment for yesterday's crime..... Gee imagine that, no sugar and the kid is more lively and energetic -maybe someone should explain a sugar/caffeine crash to dad's girlfriend or the creator/enforcer of the brilliant "sugar-less day" punishment.....

"Talk me down man, TALK - ME - DOWN...."

Offline

Last week was the last day of school. Lots and lots going on the last few weeks....

Baseball -Lots of Baseball!

**

Open Houses

**

S.E. Annual School Play -Koi and the Kola Nuts

**

Puddle Jumping

**


Play Dates

**

Strawberry Picking

**

A Trip To Fire Island

**

A Farewell Party

***

And Then... They Were Gone For The Summer

They left with their father last night and won't be back until August 13th, so now it's quiet.

I went from crazy busy to -well, nothing, nothing except this:

You know when you have a stomach bug and are laid up on the couch, and after three hours of nausea all of a sudden instinctually you know you had better get to the bathroom FAST only to make it to the toilet just in time to hurl? That's the feeling I have about this visit.

Something is off, something is not right....

and I hope it's this gut feeling I have!

Just in case....

6YO had a play-date at a classmate's today. This is what was said when we were leaving, this can't be a good sign....

Classmate's Mom- "Bye, thanks for coming over!"

6YO- "Bye, see you tomorrow."

Me- waiting.....waiting then I whisper "What do you say?"

6YO- "Oh yeah, SORRY!"

Hmmmmmm, interesting.

Balance....

Have you ever noticed that the natural order of things seem to override any plans we have for ourselves?

The weekend started out questionable. My truck started making a horrible noise and it ended up in the shop...ALL WEEKEND. Usually I absolutely freak when anything happens to my truck, I cry and say "but what am I going to dooooooo!? it's so much money that I don't have....... How am I going to get anywherrrre?" this time was different, this time I was alright. Even though I my dad isn't here to give me a ride into work or to provide an extra car to drive while mine gets repaired.... emotionally I handled it alright.

Despite my trucks betrayal, I was still able to enjoy the beautiful weather and the long weekend. NY and I decided to try out a 'ropes course' that just opened at the local ski area. It is officially defined as "an aerial forest rope course consisting of platforms that have been installed in the trees with ropes and cables connecting them to form "a bridge". The objective is to move from tree platform to tree platform walking over the different secured bridges to complete the course. There are some small scale zip-lines throughout the eight different courses. Each course will have a different degree of difficulty." For me, this definition seemed accurate.... for NY however it should have read "an aerial death trap consisting of tiny platforms (large enough for only half of a leg and maybe an elbow) installed in the trees with ropes and cables that will slice multiple layers of skin off your extremities should you brush against them while plummeting off the wooden plank the size of a stick of butter and suspended 60 feet in the trees. The objective is to lumber from tree to tree, fall off several platforms, and leave severe bruising, bloody scrapes and walk away with a limp and in need of a peroxide bath. There are some small scale zip-lines that you will complete with great tact however it will not provide nearly enough entertainment for your agile, graceful, and sweet girlfriend who loves you very much and does not take pleasure in your pain despite her uncontrollable fits of laughter."

I have to confess, I felt a teeny weeny bit of satisfaction over my ability and in the ease I felt completing the course while NY struggled. I know that my size (5'2) provided my edge but I have to boast because usually I am not the picture of grace -not even close! And NY- well he is -in most cases. I really wish I would have had a camera, I laughed so hard I cried and I have never done that before- I usually just snort. We had a great time and even went out for dinner and a drink -just the two of us.

The rest of the weekend was spent hiking. NY was our drill sergeant. Every time we turned around he was packing for a hike..... I complained because one departure was made during a "sun shower" you know the opposite of a cloud shower? NY made us go anyway because I guess sun showers are not as bad as the cloud kind......

6YO took this picture and made them say "Monkeeeeeey"

This shot proves that men can get lost even when following a marked trail.

10&6YO taking their own picture at the top of Mt Everett.

The rock sculpture at the top of Mt. Everett.

10YO asked NY if he could put a couple of rocks in his backpack to take home for our own rock sculptures. NY agreed before he saw the rocks.....

After hiking we went into town for a late lunch and made a pit stop at the toy store!

And finally .....LUNCH - because it would make too much sense to take a picnic lunch on our hike....

So despite my truck issue, I came out of the weekend feeling relaxed and very content. I got a lot of stuff done around the house, enjoyed the fresh air, watched 10YO play a kick ass baseball game, spent some quality time with NY, But...... you know that balance thing? Well I should have known things were going too well. Emails from my ex were waiting for me this morning....

I hate emails from my EX -almost as much as I hate matching socks..... maybe even more!

Which is more disturbing???

We made a trip into town to gather supplies for 6YO's diorama. This led us to the toy store and below is what 6YO went right to.

Take a closer look....

So.....




my question is....




which is more disturbing?

the packaging,

or the fact that my 6YO saved his allowance for three weeks to buy it.....?

Yin and Yang

I have one kid who can say the Lord's Prayer and a Hail Mary as easily as he can breathe....

He boasts several religious achievements: three completed sacraments, experience as a Sunday school student assistant, and a straight 'A' Catholic school student....

and he says things like "Mom, when are we going to go back to church?"

And the other kid????

Ehhhh....... not so much

This one says things like.....

"Mom, you know that guy up in heaven...."

"what's his name again?"

For real - he said that- just tonight, I swear. I couldn't make this stuff up!

"Girls Go First!"

I like that 10YO still uses the word “handsome” I like that he still says “girls go first.” I remember when he could barely talk. He was a toddler really, this tiny little person that would pour his own juice at preschool snack time and looked so little next to the pitcher he held. “Girls go first!” I hammered that into his head, anytime there was a woman anywhere around, “girls go first.” Like it was yesterday, I remember when he was only three and we were parking at the grocery, next to a car whose owner pulled in right after us. It was an older lady, with white hair in a big blue winter coat. Alex waited until she got out of her car before getting out himself and then said “girls go first!” letting her walk in front of him between the two cars. She looked at him and thanked him, calling him a gentleman , then she looked at me and smiled and said “Good job Mom, not many people raise boys the way we did in my day. What a man you will be!”

He still says that to this day, those exact words "girls go first," and now, 6YO repeats it.

Sometimes, I look at him and think to myself that maybe, just maybe he’s going to be alright. Even after all the mistakes I’ve made, despite all he witnessed when I was too afraid to leave his father, and all the demons he lives with everyday because of it…..

Sometimes I look at them and feel relief- not guilt- that they are children of divorce, because I know the effects of the alternative would have been far worse. Lately, I've noticed that these moments of relief are beginning to outweigh and overshadow my moments of guilt or doubt.

Sometimes I think to myself that maybe- just maybe, good really is stronger than evil.

I'm in trouble....

Conversation while watching Gremlins tonight.....


6YO- I like Stripe, he's cool.

Me- But he's evil.

6YO- Yeah. [pause] But he's cool.

An oldie but goodie

Before sharing this conversation that took place between my boys, you need some background info.....

My boyfriend lives in NYC. We do not...... we live in RURAL Massachusetts, 45 minutes away from a Target, Petco, and even a mall. Our town which is really a village- has a 'market' (small carryout,) a post office, and a ski store. The closest 'big' town (which we refer to just as Town - as in "Come on, we have to go into Town" - yes people still talk that way!) is ten minutes away and they have two fast food joints - Dunkin Donuts and McDonald's. They have one supermarket, two locally owned hardware stores, and one locally owned toy-store - and because of this we pay at least 40% more than all of you sane people who choose not to live down the road from a 'Ted Kaczynski' wanna-be, but now I'm just getting sidetracked.....

Okay, to put it in perspective, Norman Rockwell's home and the town he based his paintings on is two towns over, and they don't have a supermarket, only a tiny 'General Store.'

I overheard this conversation a while back but thought about it today while feeling a little homesick for home (suburb in Cincy) and it made me smile....again! So anyway, we were driving through 'Town' one night after returning from a weekend in the city. Half way down Main St I hear:

6YO-
In a quiet and inquisitive voice, almost a whisper...
"Awlex, this is kind of like the city, wright?"

10YO-
"NO LUKE," very matter of fact like it was the most ridiculous question ever "this is more like Radiator Springs....."


Yep.... this is our home now, this is our Radiator Springs.