I feel like I am turning into the kind of person I used to hate....
bitter - cynical..the kind of person I didn't want to be around. I used
to tell those people to forgive, or to savor the positive and blessings
- that to let past hurts haunt you only make you the loser. Stop
feeling sorry for yourself, pick yourself up and get on with things. It
happened, it's over -now move on. And I felt mostly justified for
saying those things, after all look at what I had escaped. Look at what
I had lived but managed to come back from. How ignorant I was.
Even
when Jimmy died and it had been 6 or 7 months, I wanted Ally
back. I told her "Jimmy's dead - WE are still alive." I had no idea........ I had no clue what I was talking about. How presumptuous I had been..... how dare I say that to her? How dare I think for even a second that I could empathize with her? I had no idea and I apologized to her for that shortly after Shane's death. (And sometimes I wonder if that is what this is all about but that's a whole other thought process all together...) So as much as I
want to take my own arrogant advice - I am stuck. I am stuck and I
can not help but mourn for the past. I mean my brother, my mother - for
Gods sake it's my family.... how am I supposed to say "life goes on?" I
don't want it to go on - I want my old life back. I want my family
back and I do not want life to go on any other way. In that sense, I
can empathize my mom. She felt the same way, I am sure of it. She did
not want life to go on without Shane, and now it doesn't..... It makes
sense to me, her death. In that fucked up way, it makes perfect sense
to me. I do feel that if I still "believed," if my faith had not
been shattered -that I would be more at peace. If I trusted that I
would be reunited with them, I would be more able to enjoy the time I
have left and maybe wouldn't be so bitter. If I could believe I would
see them again then I might be able to embrace life again. But my faith
is gone - maybe not gone - but not automatic anymore. I do want
proof. I can't "just believe." It didn't matter before if I was
wrong and foolish for believing in God - it didn't determine whether or
not I would ever see my brother again.... Now it matters. NOW it means
a whole hell of a lot if I'm wrong - and that's where I'm stuck. I
want to just believe - I want to be happy and trusting again - I really
do - but I just can not feel it and I can not force myself to feel it
either - and that really pisses me off too....
