Change- in the wrong direction....

I feel like I am turning into the kind of person I used to hate.... bitter - cynical..the kind of person I didn't want to be around.  I used to tell those people to forgive, or to savor the positive and blessings - that to let past hurts haunt you only make you the loser.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, pick yourself up and get on with things.  It happened, it's over -now move on.  And I felt mostly justified for saying those things, after all look at what I had escaped.  Look at what I had lived but managed to come back from.  How ignorant I was.

Even when Jimmy died and it had been 6 or 7 months, I wanted Ally back.  I told her "Jimmy's dead - WE are still alive." I had no idea........ I had no clue what I was talking about.  How presumptuous I had been..... how dare I say that to her?  How dare I think for even a second that I could empathize with her?  I had no idea and I apologized to her for that shortly after Shane's death.  (And sometimes I wonder if that is what this is all about but that's a whole other thought process all together...)  So as much as I want to take my own arrogant advice - I am stuck.  I am stuck and I can not help but mourn for the past.  I mean my brother, my mother - for Gods sake it's my family.... how am I supposed to say "life goes on?"  I don't want it to go on - I want my old life back.  I want my family back and I do not want life to go on any other way.  In that sense, I can empathize  my mom. She felt the same way, I am sure of it.  She did not want life to go on without Shane, and now it doesn't..... It makes sense to me, her death.  In that fucked up way, it makes perfect sense to me.  I do feel that if I still "believed," if my faith had not been shattered -that I would be more at peace.  If I trusted that I would be reunited with them, I would be more able to enjoy the time I have left and maybe wouldn't be so bitter.  If I could believe I would see them again then I might be able to embrace life again.  But my faith is gone - maybe not gone - but not automatic anymore.  I do want proof.  I can't "just believe."  It didn't matter before if I was wrong and foolish for believing in God - it didn't determine whether or not I would ever see my brother again....  Now it matters.  NOW it means a whole hell of a lot if I'm wrong - and that's where I'm stuck.  I want to just believe - I want to be happy and trusting again - I really do - but I just can not feel it and I can not force myself to feel it either - and that really pisses me off too....

and so....

it's been a year and five months... A YEAR. A whole year has passed. It's unbelievable really. I guess the way I have made it a year and a half is that at some point last summer (around the one year mark) I had to turn certain things off so to speak. I couldn't think about the reality of what had happened. I had to stop thinking about what it all meant. I could tell someone my brother had died but then I had to stop there. I couldn't let my head go to the place where he died and wouldn't be at my little sister's wedding or that it meant I would never hear his laugh, or babysit his kids. I couldn't think about the scene at the funeral when they were loading up the hearse and the Dropkick Murphy's Amazing Grace went from the bagpipe refrain to the thrasher metal.
I couldn't think about the three sentences that changed my whole world. My sister's voice at 4am "Sarah.... Shane had an accident."
"is he okay?" I gasp
"No hes deeead" she moaned through tears.
I couldn't think about my dad's voice "I've got to go, the coroner is here. Sarah you've gotta come home." I had to push certain things out of my head.....
the relief I felt when I walked into the funeral home and looked through the windows into one of the reception rooms and saw my brother laying there, the white sheet exposing him only from the neck up. "oh, well there's Shane," I thought with surprised relief. "He's right there." forgetting for a second he wasn't just sleeping.
There are certain things I can not allow myself to think about or it becomes too much. There are certain things I ignore in order to get out of bed everyday. It is so strange to me that even after all this time, the pain is still so raw and savage. It can be crippling, even now. I can discuss the logical side of things....."my brother died in a car accident two houses away from home." I can not however, think about what this logical synopsis means to me emotionally. I can not think about my brother just being gone, it is too much to bear.

Past, Present, and Future

I found this quote today:
"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future."

The thing is - I don't want my brother to be my past. He should be the future. He was the future, not me..... He is supposed to be here. If one of us should not be - it should be me, not him. He would be 25 not 36. I have my children who are my future - but what about his? He should not be my past - he should be someone's future. I should have nieces or nephews that when I look into their eyes, I see my brother and the next generation of him. It should not stop with him. He should not be my past. He should be my present and someone's future.......

I just don't understand.

reality & quilts

I have a pile of my brothers clothes in the corner of my room. Everyday I see them over there - stacked up cluttering my room. T-shirts, polos, goalie shirts.....all just sitting there.

I have a stack of my brother's clothes in the corner because I am supposed to be making a quilt out of them. I am supposed to be cutting them up into nice neat squares so that they can be sewn together into a quilt that will last "forever" or at least years to come. Because, you know - my brother didn't. He didn't last and now I have a stack of his clothes that I look at everyday sitting in my room. And I am supposed to cut them up - I am supposed to all but destroy the little I have left - physically- of my little brother, to make a quilt?

I have my dead brothers clothes sitting in my room to make a fucking quilt with...... FUCK.

Wasted time?

Its 9PM, the boys are sound asleep and here I sit at my computer….. I just wrote a note to 10YO in his “after school instruction notebook.” This is the notebook I leave sitting at the front door outlining the responsibilities he must take care of before I get home from work. Usually it reads something like:

Dear 10YO,
I hope your day was a good one! Fix yourself a snack and get started on your homework. When your homework is done make sure you
1-take the trash out
2- empty the dishwasher
3-dirty dishes into washer
4-make sure your room is straightened up
Remember, soccer tonight! Be dressed and ready to go when I get home in 45 minutes!
Love you tons,
Mom
REMEMBER!!!! NO TV OR Wii!!!!

I had a visit with a dear friend this afternoon and here is the letter I just composed:

Dear 10YO,
I hope you had a good day! Fix a snack and don’t start on your homework before I get home. Sit and do nothing if you want….stare at the ceiling even but enjoy it whatever you choose! If you would rather read –go ahead…. Whatever you want to do. I will figure out your chores when I get home, until then enjoy the time to yourself. Do what you want –just veg out and relax, we will take care of all the boring stuff later.
I set out your soccer stuff if you want to change before I get home.
I love you ,
Mom

While venting to my friend about how I got home from work yesterday and 10YO's homework and chores were not done. I was about to begin a rant when she stopped dead in her tracks and exclaimed “WHAT?! HOW HORRIBLE! Oh my gosh HE’S a KID! Let him zone out –let him do absolutely nothing –stare at the ceiling if he wants but he needs to unwind after school!”

I took a step back and tried to register whether the problem was that he did -or did not do the chores…. She was talking so fast and so loud- I had a hard time comprehending her words. Finally it started to register…. I was being insensitive to my childs natural tendencies! She went on to say how she was a big believer in kids needing time after school to relax. She explained how after being told what to do all day he should be allowed to come home and relax before starting into the rigors of responsibilities….. Needless to say, after about five minutes I was shocked at myself for being so insensitive to his needs as a child. That’s right... he is after all –A CHILD! He is a good one at that. He knows responsibility; he works hard, and obeys….. He is not an unruly –out of control spoiled brat. My extremely wise friend suggested I make a new rule –no homework or chores until I get home.

It was extremely difficult to “let go” of him being productive and accomplishing tasks all day. However, as soon as her words resonated, it was simple to see the situation through her eyes and say to myself “Oh my gosh –she’s so right.”

It’s a precious thing when you are connected to someone in such a way that they say exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it….. and they don’t even mean to.

All grown up...

Okay, not really -but look!!

Oh yeah, they are home -safe and sound. I will post something from their homecoming last week -I am behind, it's been a whirlwind around here!

The Bird's Nest

I tried it..... it's not as easy as it looks

-or I just lack the grace and discipline to pull off such a pose