And she knows now....

and so....

2012-02-11T19:08:00.004-07:00

it's been a year and five months... A YEAR. A whole year has passed. It's unbelievable really. I guess the way I have made it a year and a half is that at some point last summer (around the one year mark) I had to turn certain things off so to speak. I couldn't think about the reality of what had happened. I had to stop thinking about what it all meant. I could tell someone my brother had died but then I had to stop there. I couldn't let my head go to the place where he died and wouldn't be at my little sister's wedding or that it meant I would never hear his laugh, or babysit his kids. I couldn't think about the scene at the funeral when they were loading up the hearse and the Dropkick Murphy's Amazing Grace went from the bagpipe refrain to the thrasher metal.
I couldn't think about the three sentences that changed my whole world. My sister's voice at 4am "Sarah.... Shane had an accident."
"is he okay?" I gasp
"No hes deeead" she moaned through tears.
I couldn't think about my dad's voice "I've got to go, the coroner is here. Sarah you've gotta come home." I had to push certain things out of my head.....
the relief I felt when I walked into the funeral home and looked through the windows into one of the reception rooms and saw my brother laying there, the white sheet exposing him only from the neck up. "oh, well there's Shane," I thought with surprised relief. "He's right there." forgetting for a second he wasn't just sleeping.
There are certain things I can not allow myself to think about or it becomes too much. There are certain things I ignore in order to get out of bed everyday. It is so strange to me that even after all this time, the pain is still so raw and savage. It can be crippling, even now. I can discuss the logical side of things....."my brother died in a car accident two houses away from home." I can not however, think about what this logical synopsis means to me emotionally. I can not think about my brother just being gone, it is too much to bear.

Past, Present, and Future

2011-07-18T12:31:00.003-06:00

I found this quote today:
"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future."

The thing is - I don't want my brother to be my past. He should be the future. He was the future, not me..... He is supposed to be here. If one of us should not be - it should be me, not him. He would be 25 not 36. I have my children who are my future - but what about his? He should not be my past - he should be someone's future. I should have nieces or nephews that when I look into their eyes, I see my brother and the next generation of him. It should not stop with him. He should not be my past. He should be my present and someone's future.......

I just don't understand.

reality & quilts

2011-07-10T20:57:00.006-06:00

I have a pile of my brothers clothes in the corner of my room. Everyday I see them over there - stacked up cluttering my room. T-shirts, polos, goalie shirts.....all just sitting there.

I have a stack of my brother's clothes in the corner because I am supposed to be making a quilt out of them. I am supposed to be cutting them up into nice neat squares so that they can be sewn together into a quilt that will last "forever" or at least years to come. Because, you know - my brother didn't. He didn't last and now I have a stack of his clothes that I look at everyday sitting in my room. And I am supposed to cut them up - I am supposed to all but destroy the little I have left - physically- of my little brother, to make a quilt?

I have my dead brothers clothes sitting in my room to make a fucking quilt with...... FUCK.

Wasted time?

2009-09-17T06:52:00.006-06:00

Its 9PM, the boys are sound asleep and here I sit at my computer….. I just wrote a note to 10YO in his “after school instruction notebook.” This is the notebook I leave sitting at the front door outlining the responsibilities he must take care of before I get home from work. Usually it reads something like:

Dear 10YO,
I hope your day was a good one! Fix yourself a snack and get started on your homework. When your homework is done make sure you
1-take the trash out
2- empty the dishwasher
3-dirty dishes into washer
4-make sure your room is straightened up
Remember, soccer tonight! Be dressed and ready to go when I get home in 45 minutes!
Love you tons,
Mom
REMEMBER!!!! NO TV OR Wii!!!!

I had a visit with a dear friend this afternoon and here is the letter I just composed:

Dear 10YO,
I hope you had a good day! Fix a snack and don’t start on your homework before I get home. Sit and do nothing if you want….stare at the ceiling even but enjoy it whatever you choose! If you would rather read –go ahead…. Whatever you want to do. I will figure out your chores when I get home, until then enjoy the time to yourself. Do what you want –just veg out and relax, we will take care of all the boring stuff later.
I set out your soccer stuff if you want to change before I get home.
I love you ,
Mom

While venting to my friend about how I got home from work yesterday and 10YO's homework and chores were not done. I was about to begin a rant when she stopped dead in her tracks and exclaimed “WHAT?! HOW HORRIBLE! Oh my gosh HE’S a KID! Let him zone out –let him do absolutely nothing –stare at the ceiling if he wants but he needs to unwind after school!”

I took a step back and tried to register whether the problem was that he did -or did not do the chores…. She was talking so fast and so loud- I had a hard time comprehending her words. Finally it started to register…. I was being insensitive to my childs natural tendencies! She went on to say how she was a big believer in kids needing time after school to relax. She explained how after being told what to do all day he should be allowed to come home and relax before starting into the rigors of responsibilities….. Needless to say, after about five minutes I was shocked at myself for being so insensitive to his needs as a child. That’s right... he is after all –A CHILD! He is a good one at that. He knows responsibility; he works hard, and obeys….. He is not an unruly –out of control spoiled brat. My extremely wise friend suggested I make a new rule –no homework or chores until I get home.

It was extremely difficult to “let go” of him being productive and accomplishing tasks all day. However, as soon as her words resonated, it was simple to see the situation through her eyes and say to myself “Oh my gosh –she’s so right.”

It’s a precious thing when you are connected to someone in such a way that they say exactly what you need to hear when you need to hear it….. and they don’t even mean to.

All grown up...

2009-08-27T17:09:00.006-06:00

Okay, not really -but look!!

Oh yeah, they are home -safe and sound. I will post something from their homecoming last week -I am behind, it's been a whirlwind around here!

The Bird's Nest

2009-07-29T10:32:00.003-06:00

I tried it..... it's not as easy as it looks

-or I just lack the grace and discipline to pull off such a pose

Mr. BrightSide

2009-07-26T20:18:00.019-06:00

It has been 28 days since I hugged my boys good-bye and watched as the person I trust the least with their physical and emotional well being, drove away with them in the backseat. Twenty eight days they have been away and 16 until they return!

Whoa, wait....only 16 more days of having NY all to myself?

I was looking ahead to the boys' return and was shocked when I realized that we are past the half way mark. Now that we are in the home stretch, I felt a twinge of consternation -just a twinge..... less than a bit but more than none at all!

It's just that my time alone with NY is normally pretty rare. Because of location, I only get him on the weekends to begin with and we have either 4 boys or 2 -but never zero! And even though we get a babysitter for my kids, one dinner every other week is scant... cherished yet scant. Gone are the days of dropping off the boys to my parents for a night or two and escaping for a long weekend full of belly laughs and this smile.....

(I love that smile, and the laugh? Even more!)

So I guess what I am saying is that even though I miss and worry about my boys, I absolutely love the time that NY and I have alone together.

No play dates, baseball practice, or birthday parties to interrupt our Sunday mornings. We have the freedom to decide at 11pm that we should venture out in search of an open restaurant knowing that we won't find one but sure we will have fun cruising around none the less. We can go to a nice restaurant, share wine, and have an uninterrupted conversation without worrying about the time and having to get the babysitter home. We can make inappropriate jokes without hesitation or consideration for little ears -but for the record, that is NY's territory.... We can work on the house for 12 hours without a fight breaking out in the living room or the kitchen catching on fire because of the rugrats scavenging for food.

The last 28 days we have been:

a little absurd

maybe sentimental

(okay, maybe not -we're too busy laughing)

a tad PMS-ish -that's typically my territory...except when NY is paddling, he gets a tad moody as well :)

(and I must say, even when I am crazy hormonal and emotional, NY can talk me down -or at least gets me to crack a smile)

playful

full of laughs

spontaneous

and sometimes, just plain stupid.....

(alright, alright -alot of plain stupidity.....that's our specialty ok?)

we have been all these things together -ALONE! and it has been delightful.

If the boys have to spend 45 days in OH, I can't imagine a better way to spend my time while awaiting their return!

Although I'm looking forward to summer coming to a close, I think I am okay with a little loitering along the way!

sigh....

Buzzing

2009-07-23T21:45:00.010-06:00

My 6YO is one of those kids who does not seem physically afraid of anything. He is not one of those kids who shrieks and pulls away when an over anxious dog rushes him and he won't jump away when a snake slithers out of the brush. No, he is one of those kids who seems to think fear is a weakness so even if he was afraid, he would never show it.....

Except when it comes to BEES! As soon as he hears the "buzzzzz" he freaks. A giant boa constrictor? Bring it on!! But a tiny fuzzy bee? No place is safe!

He is terrified of bees. I think it goes back to when he was 18 months old and he was stung by two bees, one after the other. The first right smack dab in the middle of his forehead and the other on his temple. I remember that day. We were at 10YO's soccer game and the fields were swarming with bumble bees. When he got stung, he cried and I watched as his forehead and temple swelled to the size of a walnut and then I did what any mother would do... I took pictures, yep that's right, I took a few shots before I put the camera down to comfort him.

And that was the beginning of a phobia.... My baby got stung by two huge bumble bees and I took pictures of his wounds. How sick is that?

Anyway, he just hasn't been the same since... Poor kid.

But despite his fear of bees and my cold hearted reaction to this (very legitamate) fear of his -he still manages to fake a smile for me!

Oh how I miss that smile!

I think when they get home from thier dad's I will put the camera away for awhile -ok, maybe just a day or two. Experiances like that are character builders, right?

Days until the next character building opportunity:

20!

Flashback...

2009-07-21T23:36:00.005-06:00

Background: After 23 days and attempting to lessen the feelings of loss that seem to be growing with each passing day, I decided to distract myself with photos. I have hundreds of photos stored various places documenting the numerous activities that took place the weeks prior to the boys departing. So, I will post some of my favorites...

Find what's unusual with this photo....

It's not blatantly obvious.

Hint: Look at the shot below.....

(The 2nd baseman in the bright blue jersey is my 10YO )

Now look at #1 one again.....

Okay, give up? Here is a clue.

10YO and I nicknamed the kid in photo #1 "gigantor" or "humongousaurus" Does that help?

Let's be clear though, we speak at of the utmost respect, we are not making fun of this boy -who happens to be an INCREDIBLE baseball player by the way.

Actually, my boy and I are kind of envious. See, I am 5'2 and my ex maybe 5'9.... so 10YO is destined to be little.

Ahh well, that's it for my evening photo reflection from a June baseball game.... I had to laugh when I came across the photo and thought I would share.

Please don't think less of me.

22 days!

Silence

2009-07-20T19:40:00.002-06:00

24 Days and Counting

My Fortune....

2009-07-08T21:31:00.007-06:00

Went to my favorite Chinese restaurant with my most cherished companion the other night, this was my fortune...

"Your deeds speak so much louder than another's words."

I hope this holds true even when the words are spoken by a charming and convincing sociopath who showers you with gifts and lets you do things your other parent always says "NO WAY" to.....

Quiet

2009-07-07T19:39:00.004-06:00

It's way too quiet. Too quiet here -in this house- and on the phone with my 10YO.

Something is not right. All I get are one word answers but worse than that is his voice -it's horrible, just horrible. I talk to them at bedtime everyday and each day he has sounded worse than the day before.

Now I know that my wise and level headed better half would tell me "he's fine. Things are different and he's just getting used to it- give him a week or so." Which means he's thinking "she's a little paranoid and a lot over protective. She has to let it go and stop reading into things."

But the thing is, I know my kids -especially that kid. I can read him with my eyes closed. Something didn't necessarily happen, but something is bothering him. He is the type of kid whose feelings get hurt if the lifeguard tells him to stop running at the pool, so obviously he is extremely sensitive and very prone to worrying about the smallest things.

I know something is off, he is worried about something; everything in me tells me so. Not only do I hear it in his voice and in his words -or lack thereof- but I feel it. Everything inside of me tells me so and I can't get the kid on the phone without someone (his dad) hovering over his every word.....

And they have only been gone one week.... one week today, actually -not that I'm keeping track or anything.

I am so distracted I can't even focus MJ's memorial -you know the important stuff.

But 6YO was much more enthusiastic , wide awake, and responsive tonight despite having a "sugar-less day" as punishment for yesterday's crime..... Gee imagine that, no sugar and the kid is more lively and energetic -maybe someone should explain a sugar/caffeine crash to dad's girlfriend or the creator/enforcer of the brilliant "sugar-less day" punishment.....

"Talk me down man, TALK - ME - DOWN...."

Offline

2009-06-28T08:30:00.015-06:00

Last week was the last day of school. Lots and lots going on the last few weeks....

Baseball -Lots of Baseball!

Open Houses

S.E. Annual School Play -Koi and the Kola Nuts

Puddle Jumping

**

Play Dates

Strawberry Picking

A Trip To Fire Island

A Farewell Party

***

And Then... They Were Gone For The Summer

They left with their father last night and won't be back until August 13th, so now it's quiet.

I went from crazy busy to -well, nothing, nothing except this:

You know when you have a stomach bug and are laid up on the couch, and after three hours of nausea all of a sudden instinctually you know you had better get to the bathroom FAST only to make it to the toilet just in time to hurl? That's the feeling I have about this visit.

Something is off, something is not right....

and I hope it's this gut feeling I have!

Just in case....

2009-06-03T18:52:00.005-06:00

6YO had a play-date at a classmate's today. This is what was said when we were leaving, this can't be a good sign....

Classmate's Mom- "Bye, thanks for coming over!"

6YO- "Bye, see you tomorrow."

Me- waiting.....waiting then I whisper "What do you say?"

6YO- "Oh yeah, SORRY!"

Hmmmmmm, interesting.

Morning Person

2009-05-31T22:01:00.001-06:00

Morning person, I am not! Everyone who knows me understands that I hate getting out of bed in the morning -almost as much as I hate matching up socks or double dipping (ok, not as much as double dipping but alot.) It's not that I don't get out of bed, I will when I have to -but I don't like it, so I make sure anyone who has the nerve to talk to me before 11AM understands that and learns not to ever, EVER do it again! I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere, anytime -EXCEPT when I am in a bed before 3AM; so when I finally do fall asleep and stay that way, I do not particularly enjoy opening my eyes and leaving my comfortable warm cocoon. My body just does not cooperate with the whole morning concept....

BUT, my 10YO? He can wake up and climb out of bed inside of a minute and both before 7AM -on his own! I know -it's just not right!

So, at 8:30 on Saturday morning after I had been asleep for a a whole three hours, 10YO walks into my room. He was cleaning his hamster's cage and was holding a cardboard toilet paper roll. He walks over to my side of the bed.

10YO: "Mom?" he says and points to the leftover glue marks on the cardboard roll, "can this hurt my hamster if I put it in her cage and she eats it?"

Me: I open one eye, roll over, and then wonder how much effort it would take to launch a pillow at his head "Huh? What? No Alex, it's fine."

Then, he actually approaches my side of the bed!

10YO: "But what if she chews it or licks it or...." he holds the roll in front of my face just in case I have never seen one in real life before...

Me: Irritated, I sit up, grab the toilet paper roll out of his hands, and lick it -from top to bottom- then hand it back to him. "No Alex, see? It's fine!" I lay back down and pull the covers up to my chin.

10YO: As he's walking towards the door, he looks down at the cardboard in his hand with a look of hesitant satisfaction and turns towards me and says, "Um Mom, just to tell you..... I couldn't find an empty toilet paper roll," -then a pause for dramatic effect- "so I had to dig this one out of the trash can....."

Me: "Which trash can?" (as if it really mattered)

Guess which trash can. Either the kitchen trash can with all of the used hamster shavings or the bathroom can with everything else?

Yep, the bathroom trash can..... the one where the booger filled tissues, used Q-Tips, used dental floss, and band-aids stained with dried body fluids end up at the end of the day.....

NY and 10YO had a laugh, they thought it was just hilarious.

NY: "ha ha ha, that's perfect..... you're freaked out by double dipping and you just licked that.... hahaha.."

I let them have their laugh, but what they're not thinking about is how I am the cleaner of the bathroom which also makes me the keeper of the toothbrushes, their toothbrushes..... And let's just say that I have not always been exactly trustworthy when it comes to other peoples brushes.

My Prayer- Unedited (And I Don't Really Care)

2009-05-30T02:52:00.009-06:00

Dear God,

Thank you for Adam, Alex, Luke and Gary. Thank you for my mom, dad, Shane & Ally. Thank you for the many souls who have touched my life and helped me along the way, and for those whose impact I have not yet realized.

Please God, please take all of the grace you may be granting me and bless Jimmy with it. Forget all of the prayers I have offered on my own behalf and put that love towards Jimmy. I’m good, God. I can manage. If you have to, leave me and tend to him. I have lived a lot. I have experienced more. I have married, birthed children, lost unborn children, and found myself along the way. I have lived success in a career, and been lucky enough to have the security to walk away from it and raise my children. I have loved and been loved. I have laughed and felt moments of ‘no worries.’ I have encountered souls that have filled me with more love than I will ever be able to give back. I have been hurt, and hurt others. I have had my heart destroyed by someone I trusted and had faith in and then nursed back to health by someone who had faith in me.

I am young, but Jimmy? He has so much to experience. He is being cheated God and YOU KNOW IT! He has felt pain no one should have to bare. He has faced his mortality and wondered what will follow. He has watched from a distance as his friends live moments he knows he may never experience; traveling for spring break, going to college, living on campus, and even taking a job. I mean really God? Most kids his age look forward to dollar a beer night and the start of the Buckeyes football season. Not Jimmy. No God, he looks forward to driving again after the seizures stole his ability to do so. He is excited to resume the courses that he had to put off because he was trapped in his body for months while nobody at the James Center could figure out why he was suddenly loosing his motor skills, then his speech, then his ability to swallow. Most kids his age are self conscience about the beater they have to drive around in order to be able to afford to live on campus or the freshman fifteen that has landed on their backside. No, not Jimmy! He is self conscience of all the scars that cris cross back, forth and around again through his thick dark hair from the half dozen or so times he has had his skull cracked open in the last five years…. He is overly aware of the round shape his face has taken on thanks to all of the cancer meds -that hey -seem to be working real f@&*ing well.

Most kids his age worry over the final the next morning. Jimmy worries whether he will SEE the morning. Twenty-somethings look forward to their future and wonder what it will bring. Jimmy looks forward to his future as well, the end of his pain –OH WAIT…. Would that be his death?

It’s just not right. It’s not fair that he is suffering and has been for so long. It is mean and hateful that You could rob him of experiencing all the treasures this incredible planet has to offer and all of the emotions that come with living. Why does he have to carry the burden of something so horribly painful and frightening when he should be living the best days of his life?

I know I am still young. I know I have a lot I have not yet experienced. But God, I've still lived more than Jimmy has and I feel like he is getting short changed and I just don’t understand. Please God, I have asked for strength. I have asked for help to forgive those who have hurt me and the ability to truly let go. I have begged for guidance to become a better mother, a more attentive partner, a supportive friend, a present sister, and a worthy daughter. TAKE ALL OF IT! Take all of the energy and love you are using up on me and give it to him.

It’s just not fair. I don’t understand. Please, please, please! I mean really, you gave me a miracle when I was undeserving, unappreciative, and incapable; can’t you please give Jimmy his? And if you are saving up another one for me, I don’t want it….I DON”T WANT IT, he needs it, HE DESERVES IT!

I have witnessed others suffer the sudden loss of a child, a family member to a tragic accident, and even a friend loose his 31 year old high school sweet heart to lung cancer. I was incredibly sad and horrified in each case, thinking of the pain their loved ones were going through in dealing with their untimely deaths. But this God? I am feeling this one in different way -a bigger way. I hurt inside for this boy. Not as a family member, friend, or parent would hurt…. Not as someone with a connection to the boy, I can’t put my finger on it –or maybe I just can’t put it into words. It’s a darkness that is constant. A feeling of dread, of total repulsion. But this is wrong, God. It can’t possibly be right, it just can’t be.

Please give it to him, please. I know you can, I have been on the receiving end and I know you can do it if you really want to. I don’t know whether or not I deserved any miracles, but I do know that I am IN NO WAY more deserving than that boy who is lying in a hospital bed on life support right now….. two days after his 22 birthday.

A year ago, after months of the poor kid being a prisoner in his own body, I prayed for his peace. I prayed for you to end his pain and to just take him. And then finally, after keeping the James Cancer Center doctors perplexed for months, they tweak a shunt this way or that and DONE! THAT’S IT, problem solved –P-O-W released??!!! One day before his 21st birthday, you sent him home to relearn instinctive movements and get his hopes all high, that he can begin to look ahead to dreams of driving again, of being able to see without an eye patch???!!!! Why did you even bother? To string him along for another year?
What, were you thinking..... “You were sick, you had cancer, you went through pain, torture, let’s just say ……HELL, but I let them get it, the surgery got it, the chemo killed anything that may have been left of it it, and the shunt manages the damage that was done when they went in after it! Go learn how to walk, talk, and see again. Start to feel better –normal even- and maybe look forward to leaving the house for something other than a doctors appointment one day! But hey! Don't make any plans for this time next year, ok?…….”

I just don’t understand, I JUST- DON'T - GET -IT…. Come on, please? Make him healthy. Let him know the joys I have been lucky enough to know….

PLEASE.

PLEASE?

That’s all. My eyes burn , the sun is coming up, and I don’t think there is anything else much to say….. AMEN

A Favor on Jimmy's Birthday

2009-05-27T11:05:00.005-06:00

I need a favor.

My little sister has a friend, a good friend who has struggled many years with cancer, brain cancer to be exact. In and out of the hospital, chemo, surgeries, shunts, ventilators, etc etc.... the kid is only 22 TODAY. He has had some close calls -really close calls. We thought we had lost him around this time last year, but miraculously he 'snapped out of it.' I had my church group praying for him last year and as months passed, the request went from praying for Jimmy to praying for those who love Jimmy and a peaceful passing -that's how close of a call it was. My sister just told me that he is back in the hospital, unconscious and looking very grimm. He had some issues with a shunt and went in on Memorial Day. It looks like lymphoma and he is on life support.

The thing is that this kid is incredible. He is truly a 'nice' kid. Out of all the kids my little sister and brother have introduced me to, he is the only one that really strikes me. I have begged my little sister to just accept the fact that they will one day be wed! He is a nice kid, really -I am not just saying that. He is young and he has already been through so much, more than anyone should have to go through. He has missed out on so many things kids his age experience and it is just not fair! He deserves a long, happy, healthy life and the world deserves Jimmy, we certainly have not had enough of him yet!

He needs prayers. So please, anyone stopping by please say a prayer for Jimmy today, tomorrow, and the next day if you would be so kind!

Balance....

2009-05-26T19:32:00.008-06:00

Have you ever noticed that the natural order of things seem to override any plans we have for ourselves?

The weekend started out questionable. My truck started making a horrible noise and it ended up in the shop...ALL WEEKEND. Usually I absolutely freak when anything happens to my truck, I cry and say "but what am I going to dooooooo!? it's so much money that I don't have....... How am I going to get anywherrrre?" this time was different, this time I was alright. Even though I my dad isn't here to give me a ride into work or to provide an extra car to drive while mine gets repaired.... emotionally I handled it alright.

Despite my trucks betrayal, I was still able to enjoy the beautiful weather and the long weekend. NY and I decided to try out a 'ropes course' that just opened at the local ski area. It is officially defined as "an aerial forest rope course consisting of platforms that have been installed in the trees with ropes and cables connecting them to form "a bridge". The objective is to move from tree platform to tree platform walking over the different secured bridges to complete the course. There are some small scale zip-lines throughout the eight different courses. Each course will have a different degree of difficulty." For me, this definition seemed accurate.... for NY however it should have read "an aerial death trap consisting of tiny platforms (large enough for only half of a leg and maybe an elbow) installed in the trees with ropes and cables that will slice multiple layers of skin off your extremities should you brush against them while plummeting off the wooden plank the size of a stick of butter and suspended 60 feet in the trees. The objective is to lumber from tree to tree, fall off several platforms, and leave severe bruising, bloody scrapes and walk away with a limp and in need of a peroxide bath. There are some small scale zip-lines that you will complete with great tact however it will not provide nearly enough entertainment for your agile, graceful, and sweet girlfriend who loves you very much and does not take pleasure in your pain despite her uncontrollable fits of laughter."

I have to confess, I felt a teeny weeny bit of satisfaction over my ability and in the ease I felt completing the course while NY struggled. I know that my size (5'2) provided my edge but I have to boast because usually I am not the picture of grace -not even close! And NY- well he is -in most cases. I really wish I would have had a camera, I laughed so hard I cried and I have never done that before- I usually just snort. We had a great time and even went out for dinner and a drink -just the two of us.

The rest of the weekend was spent hiking. NY was our drill sergeant. Every time we turned around he was packing for a hike..... I complained because one departure was made during a "sun shower" you know the opposite of a cloud shower? NY made us go anyway because I guess sun showers are not as bad as the cloud kind......

6YO took this picture and made them say "Monkeeeeeey"

This shot proves that men can get lost even when following a marked trail.

10&6YO taking their own picture at the top of Mt Everett.

The rock sculpture at the top of Mt. Everett.

10YO asked NY if he could put a couple of rocks in his backpack to take home for our own rock sculptures. NY agreed before he saw the rocks.....

After hiking we went into town for a late lunch and made a pit stop at the toy store!

And finally .....LUNCH - because it would make too much sense to take a picnic lunch on our hike....

So despite my truck issue, I came out of the weekend feeling relaxed and very content. I got a lot of stuff done around the house, enjoyed the fresh air, watched 10YO play a kick ass baseball game, spent some quality time with NY, But...... you know that balance thing? Well I should have known things were going too well. Emails from my ex were waiting for me this morning....

I hate emails from my EX -almost as much as I hate matching socks..... maybe even more!

The Only Child

2009-05-20T23:13:00.008-06:00

Well for one night anyway!

10YO spent the night at a friends' so it was just me and the 6YO. After we finished his reptile diorama (photos coming soon!) this is what we did.....

He almost looks happy doesn't he?

**This childhood memory made possible by the giant oak(?) tree and good old fashioned country environment**

Boyfriend, socks, and ammo

2009-05-17T21:49:00.006-06:00

Okay, here’s the thing. I have a boyfriend. And I hate calling him that because it sounds so juvenile and doesn’t really convey – at all – the strong heartfelt connection that I have with him. But anyway, that's not my point. I have a boyfriend that has been my best friend for almost four years now.

I only recently gave him the link to this blog. I think I hesitated because I never really intended anyone to read this; it was more of an outlet to vent really. Okay, that was not my only intention. I really intended to only blog about my experience with domestic violence and the process of healing that has followed. Somehow it has morphed into lots of other things…. My day to day, things the kids say, and incredibly embarrassing situations I find myself in, upon other things. Well, lots of other things except my boyfriend, parents and siblings. Let’s focus on the boyfriend – the squeaky wheel of the bunch- we will call him NY.

I had just blogged “now is greater than the whole of the past” and decided it was time to send NY the link. People were actually reading and commenting on my entries and it just didn’t feel right to keep NY in the dark when virtual strangers were befriending me. So the morning after I wrote the above entry, I sent him the link. Later that afternoon, the phone rang and it was NY. “Uh-oh….. it must be good if he is calling before the sun has set.” (we tend to avoid conversation during weekday daylight hours) Here is the conversation that followed-

Me- Hey
NY- I have questions.
Me- Uh okay?
NY- There’s nothing about me.

Now, my first instinct was to point out that his statement was not actually a question, but I held back- can’t kick a dog when he’s down right?

So this exclusion has led to a running joke between NY and I. *Side note* that’s what we do, NY and me- we joke and laugh and say things that real grown ups just don’t say. But anyway, he said things like:
“Everyone got a post. Your co-worker, Kenver dude, SBG (snow board god,) even your EX got a post!......”

Now he has ammo and a good point! You see, anytime we are at odds over whose turn it is to get out of bed for coffee, run out and pick up dinner, or clean up the tiling tools he pulls it out. Instead of Paper, Scissors, Spock it’s “Don’t worry, I’ll do it, maybe then you’ll blog about me.” And for some reason, it usually works and I give in to the undesirable task we both wish to avoid.

So, I started thinking. Why have I barely mentioned him? He is right up there with my kids, parents/siblings, and air. What’s the deal? So I set out weeks ago to blog about him. But – you guessed it- I got nothin. Nothing was coming to me. I started entries at least a dozen times and I end up starring at my laptop only to find myself distracted and clicking on the entertainment tabs on my home page…”Facts of Life cast, where are they now?”

Tonight, while matching up hundreds of socks – do you know I hate matching socks more than anything in this world?

Do you know that I have gone out and bought socks for the last two months instead of matching them?

Anyway, back to NY…. While I was matching dreadful socks tonight, it came to me. How do you sit down to write about your best friend? Sure, I can tell you about him, he's hot, funny, and very trust worthy...... but how can I possibly put my heart into words? I don’t think if I wrote it, I could do him justice. Anything I say will fall short; anything I say will only trivialize what’s in my heart. It would be like trying to explain to someone how you make your heart pump blood. The thought of not having him in my life takes my breath away and fills my chest with a dreadful heaviness. I once had to seriously consider not having him in my life. I had to choose to leap or not. You know the story…. Leap and risk everything –your heart, your home town, your faith in someone -or don’t and walk away. I almost walked away. I drove 900 miles with two kids and a U-Haul to New England then back to Ohio two days later. When I got back to Ohio, and faced the reality of my decision, I felt like a part of me had died. For real, I did. I could not imagine what the next day would be without him as my best friend and partner. That’s when I re -loaded and drove back to New England again that night….. (That also turned into a joke…. I guess for awhile I went from being known as “Ohio” to “u-haul” among his colleagues….. and every once in a while one of them will act surprised when my name comes up and will say something like "oh she's still here?")

But anyway, how do you put into words, your feelings about someone who you think the world of? Someone who allows you to be yourself with absolutely no fear of betrayal. Someone who has gently held you up when you thought nothing could. Someone who walked you through the most dark time of your life while opening your eyes to see that it really was a blessing? Someone who you can laugh with, cry with, and act ridicules and totally inappropriate with. Someone with flaws and quirks that only make you love him more? Someone who loves you even though you drop a 2X4 on his head and are an hour late picking him up from the train station…… How do you adequately express feelings for someone that has become a part of you in a way you did not know possible? Someone you love ‘because of’ not ‘ despite of’ How do you explain your feelings towards someone who makes you feel real, someone who makes it ok to like yourself? How do you express your feelings for someone you don’t want to change, someone who you love every detail of?

You don’t. You don’t and you can't- explain it at all, you can only hope that everyone can be so lucky to experience it for themselves - so that they just “know” what it is you are trying to explain.

Which is more disturbing???

2009-05-16T22:34:00.004-06:00

We made a trip into town to gather supplies for 6YO's diorama. This led us to the toy store and below is what 6YO went right to.

Take a closer look....

So.....

my question is....

which is more disturbing?

the packaging,

or the fact that my 6YO saved his allowance for three weeks to buy it.....?

Yin and Yang

2009-05-06T19:01:00.012-06:00

I have one kid who can say the Lord's Prayer and a Hail Mary as easily as he can breathe....

He boasts several religious achievements: three completed sacraments, experience as a Sunday school student assistant, and a straight 'A' Catholic school student....

and he says things like "Mom, when are we going to go back to church?"

And the other kid????

Ehhhh....... not so much

This one says things like.....

"Mom, you know that guy up in heaven...."

"what's his name again?"

For real - he said that- just tonight, I swear. I couldn't make this stuff up!

"Girls Go First!"

2009-05-04T21:10:00.005-06:00

I like that 10YO still uses the word “handsome” I like that he still says “girls go first.” I remember when he could barely talk. He was a toddler really, this tiny little person that would pour his own juice at preschool snack time and looked so little next to the pitcher he held. “Girls go first!” I hammered that into his head, anytime there was a woman anywhere around, “girls go first.” Like it was yesterday, I remember when he was only three and we were parking at the grocery, next to a car whose owner pulled in right after us. It was an older lady, with white hair in a big blue winter coat. Alex waited until she got out of her car before getting out himself and then said “girls go first!” letting her walk in front of him between the two cars. She looked at him and thanked him, calling him a gentleman , then she looked at me and smiled and said “Good job Mom, not many people raise boys the way we did in my day. What a man you will be!”

He still says that to this day, those exact words "girls go first," and now, 6YO repeats it.

Sometimes, I look at him and think to myself that maybe, just maybe he’s going to be alright. Even after all the mistakes I’ve made, despite all he witnessed when I was too afraid to leave his father, and all the demons he lives with everyday because of it…..

Sometimes I look at them and feel relief- not guilt- that they are children of divorce, because I know the effects of the alternative would have been far worse. Lately, I've noticed that these moments of relief are beginning to outweigh and overshadow my moments of guilt or doubt.

Sometimes I think to myself that maybe- just maybe, good really is stronger than evil.

I'm in trouble....

2009-05-01T22:16:00.003-06:00

Conversation while watching Gremlins tonight.....

6YO- I like Stripe, he's cool.

Me- But he's evil.

6YO- Yeah. [pause] But he's cool.

Fried, Brain-Dead, Karma, or Just Plain Stupid?

2009-04-29T20:05:00.007-06:00

Ok, here's the background, multiple choice quiz at the end of the post....

4am- edited/uploaded photos after I folded two loads of laundry (but did not match the socks, I hate matching socks. I would rather continue buying new socks instead of washing and matching socks,) answered a few work emails, cleaned a stinky hamster cage, and made Cinnamon Crumb Cake for my 10YO in response to a guilt trip he sold me.... did I really let him bully me into making a stupid crumb cake????

6:10 AM- shit, over-slept! No time for a real breakfast, (thank goodness I made the stupid crumb cake) make-up, shower, or ok let's be real here - clean underwear!

7:25 AM- Ughhh, 10 YO missed his bus. Drove 8 min out of my way to primary house and back again.

7:41 AM- Back home, forgot muck boots for 6YO field trip today.

7:50 AM- Stopped at the market for 6YO's 'picnic lunch' that I also forgot for field trip.

8:00 AM- Arrived at 6YO's school, barely slowed down enough to push 6YO out the door with his stupid muck boots, picnic lunch, and booster seat for field trip.

8:40 AM - 2:15 PM- At work, finished up as many reports and publication deadlines as I could.

2:15 PM - 2:30PM- Still at office, received time sensitive email- required response. Should have left 10 minutes ago.

2:50PM- Arrived at 6YO's school- Threatened, begged, and bribed him to leave sand box and get into car of his own free will.

3:05 PM- Wrestled 6YO away from playground and into automobile.

3:12 PM- Picked up 10YO from bus stop.

3:15 PM- 5:05 PM- Arrived home. Helped 10YO with homework. Fixed snack for both pains in the ass, I mean boys. Threw 10 YO baseball uniform in washer for game in two hours. Changed clothes, emptied dishwasher, folded laundry. Reviewed and sent a few emails. Searched for 10YO's baseball hat. Paid cable bill, checked for support payment, and ordered prescription refills online. Received email from ex-mother in law, shook my head in disbelief- she's gotta be crazy- wrote a couple of sarcastic comments saying so and forwarded email to boyfriend for a laugh. Packed up baseball equipment, water, and laptop -maybe I can edit some photos at game.

5:05 PM- Left for baseball game.

5:15 PM- Back home -10 YO forgot his cup- can't play without it.

5:25 PM- 8:45 PM- Arrived at baseball field. Watched and shot last years' undefeated league champs get slaughtered.... again. Hit fast food for dinner.

9:00 PM- At home, bathed and pajama-ed both pains in the ass- gosh I did it again, I mean boys..... Traced my foot, 10YO's foot, 6YO's foot, and Ginger-the hamster's foot for 6YO's homework. Folded laundry, reviewed 10YO's assignment book, and packed snacks for tomorrow. Put pains in the- I mean boys- to bed.

10:15 PM- Sat down. Turned on computer. checked email.

10:16 PM- Opened email from ex-mother in law. Read her response to the sarcastic comments that I sent to her when I hit "reply" instead of "forward."

10:17 PM- Present- Trying to figure out 'why me?'

Quiz

What is my problem?
A) Was my head fried from trying to multi-task on 2 hours of sleep?
B) Am I brain dead?
C) Is Karma biting me in the ass for even intending to get a laugh at my M-I-L's expense?

D) Was I a natural blonde in a past life? -no offense blonde ladies, I'm just jealous but trying to hide behind demeaning sterotypes!

E) AM I JUST PLAIN STUPID????

Scores will be posted after I have my foot sand blasted from my mouth.

***And for the record, I was kidding about the clean underwear thing! I have dozens of VS of 5 for $25 panties. As much as I despise matching socks, I hate running out of clean undies and having to resort to grannie pants even more!!!***

An oldie but goodie

2009-04-23T18:35:00.004-06:00

Before sharing this conversation that took place between my boys, you need some background info.....

My boyfriend lives in NYC. We do not...... we live in RURAL Massachusetts, 45 minutes away from a Target, Petco, and even a mall. Our town which is really a village- has a 'market' (small carryout,) a post office, and a ski store. The closest 'big' town (which we refer to just as Town - as in "Come on, we have to go into Town" - yes people still talk that way!) is ten minutes away and they have two fast food joints - Dunkin Donuts and McDonald's. They have one supermarket, two locally owned hardware stores, and one locally owned toy-store - and because of this we pay at least 40% more than all of you sane people who choose not to live down the road from a 'Ted Kaczynski' wanna-be, but now I'm just getting sidetracked.....

Okay, to put it in perspective, Norman Rockwell's home and the town he based his paintings on is two towns over, and they don't have a supermarket, only a tiny 'General Store.'

I overheard this conversation a while back but thought about it today while feeling a little homesick for home (suburb in Cincy) and it made me smile....again! So anyway, we were driving through 'Town' one night after returning from a weekend in the city. Half way down Main St I hear:

6YO-
In a quiet and inquisitive voice, almost a whisper...
"Awlex, this is kind of like the city, wright?"

10YO-
"NO LUKE," very matter of fact like it was the most ridiculous question ever "this is more like Radiator Springs....."

Yep.... this is our home now, this is our Radiator Springs.

6 Year 'Wisdom'

2009-04-22T12:33:00.004-06:00

While driving in the car this morning....

6YO- Mom, you need to start packing me more food for my lunch and snack.

Me- Why?

6YO- Because when I'm really hungry I eat a lot of my lunch during snack time and then I eat at lunch and there's not a lot left.

Me- But you don't eat everything I pack for you.

6YO- Sometimes I do if I like everything you send. How about I pack my own lunch?

Me- How about this, how about I pack more food in your lunch box but I will put a fruit or vegetable in your snack bag with your regular snack, and if you eat just two bites of the healthy stuff, then you can have the rest..... and I will pack more snacks and a bigger lunch for you.
LONG PAUSE....

6YO- Okay, never mind.

Now Is Greater Than The Whole Of The Past???

2009-04-15T20:57:00.020-06:00

This is really hard for me to put out, for just anyone to possibly see.... but I will do it anyway in hopes that someone stumbles upon it and relates....

I was looking through my old photo discs. Dozens and dozens of client shoots trying to pick out my favorites for an ad or website or something…. And of course there were old family photos mixed in on the discs. And of course after about an hour of seeing shots of my babies when they were babies and we were a real family, I started thinking. And of course, I ended up in tears despite desperately wanting NOT to cry like a twelve year old.... About a year into my 'escape,' a friend was flipping through old photo albums. As he came to the older ones, he flipped the pages slower, he studied each one. He was quiet for a bit, but was curious, you could tell. Curious about the man he had heard such awful things about. Obviously deep in thought, he remained silent as he turned each page until coming to the end. In a very matter of fact manner says “wow, you're good, you even made AD look like a good dad.” So today, looking through the hundreds of photos, I thought back to that comment. Part of me wants to say “yeah, I have an eye for touching moments; so good that I made him look better than he was.” But then there is the part of me that thinks maybe he was okay – to the boys. When he was sober, not hung-over, and present- he was a decent father. Maybe even a -gasp- good one?
So, which one is it? Are my compositions that good, or was he a loving father? Am I just bitter and not wanting to give him his due credit? If I say he was a good father then does that mean I made a mistake by leaving him? Of course that then leads me to wonder “could I have made it work?”
We had it all, we really did. He had a great job, money was never a worry (not until the last year anyway, when his gambling, drinking and drug habits picked up.) He had a nice home that I kept immaculate – garage and basement excluded. But most of all, he had two beautiful and healthy boys and a wife that could not have been any more committed or loyal. He came home (granted not until 10pm, sometimes 6am the next morning, or….ok sometimes not at all but he always was sure to point out that he did indeed come home) to a clean house, happy healthy children, a supportive wife, and every piece of his life in order. He didn’t have to lift a finger and it was obvious he didn’t want to…. I made sure all the bills were paid, the cars were maintained, the maintenance on the house was covered, his traffic violations were addressed, everyone had clean clothes to wear, the boys were nurtured and cared for, school applications were completed, doctor appointments weren’t missed and on and on…… everything was held together for him. All he had to do was go to work and show up to play with his kids. However I did request he stay clean, or at the very least, not to drink and drive..... Was his life at home really so bad that he had to consume mass amounts of alcohol and drugs just to spice things up, just to tolerate?
I can’t help but wonder “where did I fail him? What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t it enough? Why did he have to find solace in her (ok hers- plural) what did she (they) have that I didn’t?” I remember right after I found out about his ‘other’ life and he failed his first drug test we had an argument about trust. I still hadn’t decided if I was ‘in’ or not, if I could ever trust him again, or if I even wanted to…. He was trying to win me back so to speak, and he looked at me and blurted out “I was just thinking the other day driving to work, how boring my life is.” Almost immediately he regretted letting those words out of his mouth, the look on his face, startled and confused, almost surprised he had just spoken them.......Any explanation he tried to muster after that fell on deaf ears. That, that one sentence- hurt me more than any physical harm he could or would eventually inflict upon me through the coming years. And I would have to say that overall, it was his words that were most painful and left me with the deepest, most significant scars. His statement was an honest one. He exposed a vulnerable side of himself, opened up, and told me how he truly felt …. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. Of course there were plenty of devastating words spoken after that, but that one statement sticks with me. It wasn’t the most hurtful thing he ever said to me by any means, but I believe it was one of the most pure and honest feelings he ever expressed….. at least to me. After the secret of the abuse was out, and the questions of “why don’t you just leave?’ started, I remember confidently explaining that I would outlast him. Yes, he could inflict physical harm, but I would heal. The bruises would fade and the cuts would scab over. But I - I - was going to show him that no matter what, I was going to be there. No matter what he dished out, I would stand by him; I was the rock he could lean on. I would outlast this fucking addiction and the sleazy coke whores. I was his safe haven - I was his family- I was his wife and I always would be. No one else – just me. I would be his one sure thing. The one person he could be himself with –good-bad- and super fucking ugly…. We would get through anything and we would be stronger for it. I knew the man he could be and I wanted to be the one with him when he grew into his potential. I saw the goodness he buried deep inside of him. I saw through his façade, I recognized his weaknesses, I felt his insecurities and I loved him anyway. I knew he was worthy of being loved the way I loved him, and I believed with everything inside of me that someday he would realize it too…. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not seeing him in the photos that upset me. It was seeing what he represented. It was being privy to the amount of effort, commitment and loyalty invested that would never be sufficient. It was remembering that we were a family, the four of us. We had it all, we were together and that was what should have mattered- that’s what was important to me, but not important enough to him I guess. Being a family, that is what I miss, that is the loss I mourn- not AD the person. I miss having someone to gush over the perfect little devils - I mean creations – we made together. I don’t miss AD or the drama he reveled in, especially the drama; I feel the absence of being in a traditional family. I miss seeing my boys with the only other person in this world who will ever have any chance at all of feeling a connection as strong as the one I have with them.

I tried so hard to outlast him. I tried so fucking hard to save our family, I really did. I put in the time as well as my whole heart - going to therapy and a priest- to try to improve myself. After all, I believed if I bettered myself, if I made a change for the better – he was bound to follow. That’s what all the relationship self help books said, even Dr. Phil said it. But that back fired on me. The more forgiving I became, the more mistakes he seemed to make. The more understanding I tried to be, the more extreme and irrational behaviors he indulged in. The more supportive I was, the more distance he created between us. The more of my faults I pointed out, the more he blamed me. The more I gave, the more he took - because he could. Had I finally proven to him that I wasn’t going anywhere?

I will never forget the last time he hit me. Usually I fought back. Usually I smarted off, threatened to leave. But not that time. “This time,” I thought as he grabbed me and threw me down, “this time I am going to show him nothing but love.” And that is exactly what I did. I tried to see him as he was - a scared, desperate, and tortured soul. I quietly begged him to stop as he pressed his knees into my chest. I cried as he slammed my head against the bathroom floor. I said as loudly as I could, “It’s okay Adam, it’s okay, I love you,” coming out instead in a raspy whisper, being all I could muster as I gasped for breath underneath the weight of his body on my stomach and the pressure of his knees on my chest. I tried to cover my face using my hands or arms or elbows… but he squeezed my wrists and pushed them towards the floor. “Please stop, “ I cried softly. The more I tried to raise my arms or turn my head in an attempt to escape inevitable blows, the more he used his elbows to contain me. That’s how I ended up with the fat lip, a mouth full of blood, bruised and swollen cheeks, and the infamous black eye- all from his fucking elbows.

That night on the bathroom floor was different. I didn’t resist and displayed nothing but love and reassurance. That time was different and I knew it. I knew after it was over and he descended to the kitchen to fetch me a couple of ice packs, that unless he got help – serious help- it was over, it had to be. I knew that night I had reached my limit – he had gone too far, taken it to a whole new level – he had left marks on my face. There’s no going back after you reach that point. You can predict someone’s future behavior by examining their past actions. He had reached the point of no return? More importantly how would the pattern of escalation proceed now? Would he put me in the hospital, kill me, or even worse – turn on the boys? I knew him; I knew that once he crossed a line, he would only take it farther the next time, there was no going back- he would and could not retreat, that would mean failure –or worse still- that he was wrong.

But I knew that you don’t just stop patterns of abuse, you have to acknowledge it and figure out why you turn to violence/drugs to deal in the first place. There was never any acknowledgement of a problem on his side. And of course Adam, he had figured it all out on his own. After a week, he claimed to know his problem and how to stop it. He had sold himself on the idea that he was in total control; I on the other hand, was not buying it- not anymore anyway.

I wonder if he knew how easy it could have been. If he just would have said ‘yes’ when I calmly asked him to get help. I wonder if he knew the future of our marriage –our family- was balanced so delicately on his answer. I wonder what else I could have done, what it was that he needed from me – from his life - that I had not provided to him. I don’t regret leaving – not in any way. I may question if it was the best decision for the boys – however I don’t regret the decision. I felt as sure about leaving as I had felt about staying all those months as everyone begged me to leave. Just as I don’t regret leaving – I don’t regret staying as long as I did either. Sure, looking back I feel foolish and gullible and naïve and stupid and….. But I don’t regret my decisions.

I do however, wonder what it would have taken and how close – or far away – we actually were to saving our family….. I also wonder if he ever wonders these same things.

Conflict of Interests

2009-04-14T21:04:00.011-06:00

Yeah, I know you see a hard boiled egg. I see a baby chick that never came to be, slimy -coagulated like- amniotic fluid, and of course, cholesterol.....

My kid sees opportunity when I cringe as he puts the coagulated amniotic fluid in his mouth.

"fut, me?" he says through a mouth full of easter egg, "Fi'm fust eating fhe egg."

But he is going to take full advantage of making me gag while he eats his egg....

Wow, my kid has class.

I will point out that these are the genes from my ex's side of the family.

Kindergarten Gangsta

2009-04-09T23:24:00.011-06:00

I had to laugh when I pulled this out of 6YO's backpack....

He got kicked out of gym class. That's quite an accomplishment, being kicked out by the teacher that only has to put up with him three times a week for an hour.

At least he made it this far into the year before a letter came home.

Maybe we have been spending too much time at the skate park and those pierced and baggy pant wearing punks are rubbing off on him!

Those wings did have blood spatter on them after all. I mean really - what did you expect?

Wings!!!

2009-04-09T19:43:00.009-06:00

6YO got his wings!

A little blood spatter, but hey- beggers can't be choosers!

I hope it's not his last set ;-)

Scars

2009-04-09T09:42:00.004-06:00

Last night 10YR and I were talking. He is in therapy and had an appointment yesterday. He asked if he could talk to me about it and here is part of the conversation:

10YO: We wrote out some of my worries and put them in the Worry Doll.

Me: Hmmm, only some?

10YO: Yeah, but I only have four big worries.

Me: Like your brother will play your DS games or I will embarrass you in front of your friends?

10YO: No Mom, those are stupid things. Those things don't matter. My worries are big ones.

Me: Well we can talk about it when you want.

10YO: You already know them, I've told you before. The ones I put in the worry doll today were that Dad will get drunk and hurt me or Luke. And that Dad will get drunk and hurt you.

Me: Really, you still worry about that?

10YO: Next week I am going to put in that I am afraid Dad will hurt Margo (new girlfriend) and that Dad will go back to jail.

The conversation went on, but his four worries were the eye opening and surprising part for me. I would think that after moving 9 hours away from my ex three years ago combined with the passage of time those worries would have subsided. And I am kind of surprised that the last two worries are still a concern for him after all of this time.

I can't figure out if it will always be a fear for him because he saw some of the abuse and lived through the absences caused by his fathers' incarceration or if during visits with his father he still sees the old frightening qualities. Is it the memories causing the concern or his fathers' present actions? Does he see that his father hasn't changed or is he just haunted by the past?

I can't figure it out. And the worst part is that I can't even promise him that I won't let his father hurt him. I can assure him that as long as he is with me, he will not get hurt- but I can not promise him that he and his brother will be safe no matter what. That is the most difficult part of the whole thing, I can not ensure him that his father will never hurt him or his brother. I can not promise him that he will always be safe.

Not being able to promise my children safety has got to be the worst feeling of helplessness I have - or could - ever feel.

Chunks?

2009-04-06T15:12:00.010-06:00

Last Friday morning I went to pack the boys lunches. I had everything - fruit, yogurt, oreo crisps, cinnamon bread, cheese sticks, and ham..... but no bread. Of course - I had just been to the store but forgotten the wheat bread. Ughh... the boys had seriously considered all of their lunch box options the night before, carefully picked out snacks -they love choosing what to fill their boxes with. There was always the cinnamon bread, but with ham? I was tempted, but I just couldn't do it, they were going to have to buy their lunches. They were reluctant but had no choice and I felt guilty for a whole ten minutes because we didn't have bread in the house....

So fast forward to this morning. We had been in the city all weekend and took the 8:16pm train last night which got us to our car at 10:06pm (not that the exact time means anything) and then home by 11pm. Usually the boys sleep part of the trip, but not last night . So needless to say, the boys were tired this morning! I woke 10YO, got him to the bus stop and waited until the bus was slowing down and broke the bad news- we were still out of bread he was going to have to buy his lunch again. He was disappointed, but took the news alright.

I went back inside to try to wake 6YO, no luck. I got him dressed while he was still asleep, it's easier that way- less of a struggle. I carried him from his bed to bathroom, pried open his mouth to brush (for real, I brush his teeth while he is sleeping. If you use just a dab of paste and don't wet it, there is only minimal foam and not too much gets ingested) and we made our way to the car where he dozed in and out of sleep. I woke him after the 90 second ride to school and he was woozey- maybe from the toothpaste I force fed him- but he woke up enough to walk. I gave him a hug, told him he had a snack but had to 'order' lunch. (It's called ordering- not buying at his school, they order from the local coffee shop across the street and if you even start to say "buy" and "lunch" in the same sentence he will hostilely correct you ) He shuffled off in the cold misty rain. I jumped in the car and drove to work feeling a little guilty that my kid was sleep walking into kindergarten....

Fast forward 6 hours.... I collected 6YO and while we walked to the car he looked up at me and here is the conversation that followed:

6 YO- "Mom did you say I had to order today or did I see that in my sleep (dream)?"

Me- "Yes, I packed you a snack, but not your lunchbox because we are still out of bread."

6YO - "NO- we had bread, there was lunch for me. Why did you tell me I had to order?"

Me- "No Luke that cinnamon bread was just your snack, I didn't have any bread for the ham. We will go to the market to get some bread, I'm sorry. So you still ordered right? You had more than cinnamon bread for lunch right? "

6YO- "No Mom, it's ok! You did make me a ham sandwich, it was in my back pack, it just fell out of my snack bag!"

Hmmmm, ok, what happened here? I pondered this question during the 90 second ride to 10YO's bus stop. Did someone bring him lunch and put it in his backpack? Unlikely!
If it was a ham sandwich from home, how long had it been in there? I never put lunches in his snack bag, it wouldn't have been there in the first place. The last ham sandwich I made was on Thursday, so it is at least that old? But was his back pack in the truck all weekend? Maybe it was cold enough in the truck not to spoil. How long before meat spoils? How will I know if the ham was bad and will he blow chunks everywhere? Why do I even feed my kids ham, I'm a vegetarian?

As we waited for 10YO, I nonchalantly began my questions. I asked him why he didn't order lunch anyway since I told him to. He didn't need to, he said in a confused but certain tone, he had a sandwich in his back pack- duh. I asked him if he ate it. Yes he did, he was hungry he didn't have breakfast, he was too tired, he said. I asked if it tasted ok. Instead of answering me, he looked at me and asked "why?"

Oh crap, he was asking questions. I had to terminate the conversation or there was the chance he might catch on and realize he ate a four day old ham sandwich....... 10 YO got off the bus and the conversation was safely diverted.

My kid ate a four day old (at least) ham sandwich for lunch today, one that I left in his backpack since last Thursday.

I am ashamed, I am utterly ashamed (and slightly worried he still might blow chunks!)

The Dog and The Rock Star

2009-03-31T18:46:00.013-06:00

Okay, I have one child that thinks he is a dog, his head was out the window the whole day.....

I swear his tongue was hanging out...

And another kid who thinks he is a rock star, singing EVERY WORD of "so what" by P!nk....

OMG he is hilarious, he belts it out and head bangs and everything!

What a pair these two!

Taking Care

2009-03-30T20:06:00.007-06:00

I went to the doctor today. The first time since the divorce..... First time since 2006. It's strange how I just stopped taking care of myself. I used to have my annual exams and never hesitated to check in with the doctor if my headaches or stomach issues escalated. But the last few years, I have just 'let it go.'

It really blows my mind especially since I am here with the boys by myself. No back-up, no family 15 minutes or even two hours away anymore. Here I am in the middle of rural Massachusetts where not too many people can get to me and I am taking my chances with my health.

I was thinking back to 2005 when I had that ruptured cyst and was in the hospital for 4 days. My mom and my sister were able to come help with the kids even though AD was there, I had back up. I was out of commission, but I knew the boys would be covered.

What would happen if something happened to me here, now? I have friends that could watch the boys temporarily, but no one I would feel comfortable with for any length of time.... Not to mention the worst case scenario, if I let something go long enough - like four years- and it turned into something major, and I wasn't around, what would happen to the boys? Would they go with AD? Ughh I can't stomach that thought. All of the healing that would be undone, the fear and instability they would have to live with. It breaks my heart to even think in that direction.

It's in looking at the boys to really see how far we have come since living in fear with an abusive addict. After the divorce, the boys were so angry and hesitant. 6YO and the night terrors that used to keep me up hours on end trying to console and wake him. 10YO old and the nightmares of trying to hide from his father who was trying to kill him, while I watched without attempting a rescue. Then there was 6YO's defiant behavior and 10YO's constant worrying. They have come so far and have really adjusted well to their 'new life.' To think all of this could be undone by carelessness with my health.

I gotta get my shit together and take care of myself for the boys sake if not my own. I need a kick in the ass, I gotta keep my perspective and stop thinking of taking care of myself as a luxury, otherwise all this was for nothing. We have worked too hard and come too far to let an oversight derail us now!

See it?

2009-03-29T23:26:00.013-06:00

This is 10YO wearing his board/skate helmet.....

Did you see it?

Then, there's 6YO. This kid is one surprise after another, whether it's a pee-gun or African dance...

He performed an African dance in the elementary school talent show, and my gosh the kid has rhythm.

Despite pee-guns and snowboard slang, they really are the best kids ever!

The Lone Gun-man

2009-03-25T21:12:00.015-06:00

Oh, ok.... Just when I think I have seen it all. Just when I think I am getting things under control. Just when I think I have the best kids ever -polite with manners- thoughtful, funny, intelligent, this happens.....

That's a miniature water gun, in 10 Yo's hand.... "Big deal" you're thinking. "So the kids had a water gun fight, so what?"

Well, the big deal is the fact that 6YO ran out of water. He unloaded his water gun on his brother and instead of coming inside to refill it he PEE-ed into it!!!

OMG, I KNOW!!! That is so wrong on so many different levels! I have so many questions!

Where did that child come from?

Whose kid is that, I mean really?

Most importantly, what exactly was the thought process behind it!? I want to know, I really do, I have to know.

Don't worry, 10YO sought refuge behind the storm door until I could talk down the pee gunman. I quickly confiscated and discarded the gun before any pee made contact with human flesh. Disaster successfully diverted.

Here is the aftermath.

10 YO is being a hell of a lot nicer than I would have been!

Ok, so we are in the car on our way to a Baseball meeting, when 6YO and I have the following convo...

ME- "What would you do if 10Yo tried to squirt you with a pee-gun?"

6YO- "He can't."

ME- "What do you mean he can't? What if he did?"

6YO- "He can't Mom it's against THE RULESSSSSS!"

ME- "Says who, who made those rules?"

6YO- In the most condescending tone you can imagine.... Well, of course "Me!" (Duh)

So, my last question.... Is this normal? Don't lie, be honest.... is it? I mean who thinks of this stuff?

Snowboard (Demi)God!!

2009-03-23T00:08:00.011-06:00

Okay, this is Snowboard God (SBG) I realize I have not posted anything about him yet, but of course there are many funny stories surrounding this "dude" and 10YO!

Is it just me, or is this the happiest face ever on 10YO's face???? The kid bugged me all day about getting this shot.

From what I have been told, the guy is kind of a wild card, I hope for 10Yo's sake that he is around next winter... I swear, the kid really loves this guy.

10YO- "I wish SBG was my big brother."

Me- "Two reasons it cant be. 1) If he were your brother you wouldn't like him and 2) he's my age, I'm not old enough to be his mother..... but he could be your uncle.......

10YO- "No, I already have an uncle and I like him. And Mom, there is noooo way he is as old as you, he is like- dad's age or something....."

(his dad is older than me by four years)

The kid absolutely loves this guy. SBG re injured himself the day of the last school lesson and we thought he was out for the season, 10YO got weepy that night. Imagine his elation when he was getting booted up on a warm afternoon and SBG walks in. I heard a little voice whisper "Mom, look!" And over walks SBG with his gear and asks 'Lil Bro' to ride with him! It was like Christmas all over again!

I can't help but wonder if 10YO's Dad was in the picture or if we were a "normal intact" family, would he still take to SBG like this? Not that it matters, it has been a great thing for the kid, a bond he hasn't shared with anyone other than his uncle.... riding.

Now, let's just hope the kid doesn't get invited out to watch SBG race (stock cars and motor cross) this summer. I am having a hard enough time with one dangerous hobby, I can't survive another!

I love Steve-O

2009-03-17T14:07:00.006-06:00

I loved jackass Steve-O. Even though he did some stupid ass stuff, and was using, I loved him. I loved his cute and endearing laugh.

I loved Steve-O pre-rehab, when he broad -casted himself on You Tube talking about other dimensions while totally high beyond comprehension. He was about as messed up and hopeless as ever I've seen......

But I really love sober Steve-O. It takes a strong and amazing person to recognize his need for help and to stay committed to sobriety. Steve-O seemed like the last person who would have even attempted treatment, let alone continue with it for over a year! And he still has that laugh!
It really is so amazing to me that someone like Steve-o, so utterly uninterested in sobriety can "wake up" one day.... and my husband, with two gorgeous, healthy baby boys, financial security, beautiful home, a loyal and committed wife... A beautiful young family with everything to look forward to, and he couldn't pull it together. It wasn't enough to keep him or even get him sober.....

I Love Steve-O

I found this today:

And this....

Have I mentioned I just love Steve-O!!

a new phobia?

2009-03-14T21:18:00.028-06:00

As the snow season is coming to an end I have one child who has begun to mourn the loss of his beloved riding time. The other child is done with everything winter and just wants spring to come..... However, in an attempt to help my first born grieve properly and sufficiently, we hit the mountain today to begin saying our goodbyes until next winter.

After a decade and three seasons of attempting to snowboard, I am back on skis.... I know, I know what an entertaining thought! I am not what I would call the most coordinated or graceful individual, but somehow I manage.

There are two reasons (besides the fact that riding is really cool - cuz I'm still cool, right?) I have contemplated the thought of skiing or boarding:

1) To supervise.... There is something very unsettling about two six year olds traveling up the lifts and choosing from a multitude of trails all of varying degrees of difficulty.

2) I have taken all of the photos I can take of the boys on the bunny hill. And of course, the other shots that I have taken from the bottom of the runs are getting pretty monotonous, I have them all....

6YO at the bottom of the trail smiling He is smiling in there I know it

6YO at the bottom of the trail turning

6YO at the bottom of the trail as he flies by me.....

as you can imagine they go on and on, I literally have hundreds like these, no lie - I do.....

Okay, so we have two benefits of me skiing, however with those benefits come MAJOR drawbacks...

Positive- parental supervision
Negative- parental fear for the life of her beloved and precious children!

That's right, it seems that I did not realize how beneficial my ignorance really was. Having only been on the bunny hill in the last decade, I had forgotten how one gets to the top of the mountain..... I am enlightened now- now I have seen first hand- how short my 6YO is compared to the height of the chair lifts. I have seen the little 'hop' he has to take at just the right moment in order to get his butt up on the seat. I have seen 6YO and 10YO lean forward- hence down- to watch as the snow falls 50 feet to the ground from their boots...... Yes, I have a new phobias, and it is my children on chair lifts!!!

As if that was not bad enough, I have also seen my children, my beloved flesh and blood, race down the mountain without any regard to boundaries or speed 'limits.' Not that they are reckless, but they have no fear towards that which they feel capable, and let me tell you, it is so scary to watch. But yes, they are extremely capable -that still doesn't make it easy for a mom to watch!
That's a half pipe 6YO just jumped into... without me!!Now I'm sure you're asking "why so many shots of 10YO, compared to 6YO?"

This brings me to problem #2..... I CAN'T KEEP UP!

Yep, that's right they "swoosh" right on by me. No matter how much of a head start I get, they catch up, taunt, and then 'whoosh' they get as close as they possible can to me without running me over and then they are gone. I am left to ponder the fact that my children really are that much more athletic than I.

10YO wants pictures of his jumps and tricks, so he pulls over and waits for me or he does a 'do over' for me when I arrive. (I get great satisfaction out of him hop, hop, hopping back UP the mountain to redo a jump for the cameras, even if it is only a point and shoot!)

So, it's the end of the weekend, I have experienced an array of emotions and am left quite drained....

Excited that I got some new shots... Scared that my children will fall of the lift, side of the mountain, or hit a tree while skiing/riding... Terrified that I may orphan my children if I ever attempt to do an "easy" black diamond again.... (that's a great story to come later.... did you know there was a such thing as an 'easy' black diamond???? Yeah, well I didn't either but somehow I got suckered in, how hard could it really be??? my kids are going.....)

But most of all proud. Proud that my offspring have found a healthy past time to occupy them during the cold winter months. Proud that they have mastered a sport they enjoy! Proud when my kids come flying down the mountain and others around watch impressed by their talent and grace!

Now I just need to find a past time that will help take my mind off all of the risks I am subjecting them to every time they 'swoosh' away!

Why some species really eat their young....

2009-03-10T18:58:00.019-06:00

-
He's smart, funny, loving, polite and very well could be the BEST-KID-EVER... well until this...

Sometimes, he says things that make me wonder if he is secretly trying to get back at me for the time when he was 3 and I put him in a pink tutu -just for a minute-to get 'a couple of quick photographs' (I had to get a light reading for a shoot later that day- I swear!!) or if he is just totally oblivious.

Let me set the scene. It was Saturday morning. The local ski/board store was having an end of season sale, 40% off! The 10 Year Old was physced to find a new board, he had been saving for months.

So I rolled out of bed, put on yoga pants, sweat shirt, smartwool socks (they are my new favorite piece of clothing- a must for a New England winter,) and threw on some sunglasses to cover the dark circles under my eyes. I loaded 10 YO and 6YO into the truck, skipped my coffee stop, and drove straight to the store..... after all it was a good sale and there were only a limited number of "grom" boards to be had. Thinking back, I don't think I even brushed my hair, we had to go, go, go and I was looking hot hot hot!

We get to the store and the boys go directly downstairs to where everything snowboard lives. We were the first to arrive.

Right away, 10YO finds a board, he holds it up next to him and says "I like this one." About that time one of the available sales guys came over. He was definitely a boarder, you could tell- not at all uptight like the skiers seem to be.... We will call him Snowboard Dude. SBD starts in on 10YO. They click immediately. He's kinda cute in a "he's totally not my type, he's good with kids, but I am happily off the market" kinda way.....

For at least 10 minutes, the two talk boards, rails, and bindings and I sneak upstairs to feed my smartwool sock addiction and to escape all of that 'bro' bonding crap.

When I return, the two - 10YO and SBD- are best buds and content- having expressed a comfortable number of Spicoli-esq exchanges. Upon seeing me the YO's ask if they can wait in the car while I completed the purchase. Ok, finally- we are on our way out, that means COFFEE!

But wait, not so fast!

SBD starts talking my ear off about how 10YO's new board might be a little too large for him. .... There's more board to dig into the snow, more board to move, which will be more work and may mean sore legs the first few rides. He explains that 10YO might notice a significant difference riding this size of a board and to watch to make sure he does not get discouraged- After all, we wouldn't want to loose a young snowboarder to skiing-GASP!

Ok, so those aren't the exact words he used but I think I translated it pretty good -I think- I will admit though that when he explained it did sound much cooler and hip with words like "dude" and "shredding" thrown in.

Anyway, SBD tells me that he rides with kids and starts throwing out all of his credentials - single dad of 6 year old- coaches soccer- judges the freestyle contests-etc etc etc.

Then he asks me if I ride. (uh-oh, here it comes)

Wait! For real, is this guy really going to hit on me? I look like total trash, have not had my coffee and i think the corner of my pant leg is tucked into my bright orange wool sock!!! hmm, no way that's not what's about to happen!

I go onto explain how I used to ski way back when - from the age of 14 to maybe 21- when I was a lot less proud and didn't mind making a total ass out of myself skiing down the bunny hill with an instructor yelling "PIZZA! PI-ZZ-A!!!" behind me. I told him that over the last couple of years I tried to "switch" to riding a but it never really stuck. However, I did not tell him that maybe it didn't 'stick' because I was traumatized by my baby (baby by a whole decade) brothers' best friend putting the moves on me while trying to show me how to carve.... maybe I was too disturbed and wondering if I was really old enough to be a MILF, that I couldn't focus on really trying to dig in- I dunno it's the theory I'm sticking to, I like it better than just not being coordinated enough to pick up what 10YO mastered 3 years ago....

10YO scampered back in and SBD went to work on binding placement-
'what we're not done yet?'
Meanwhile SBD continues on and proceeds to offer his assistance with 10YO and his new board and wait! SBD can help me learn to ride also.
Hmmm I think he is suggesting something, but I play dumb- I am really good at that.
So he finishes up, I pay (YESSS!- coffee time) then IT happens. The blatant-balls out proposition....

It went something like this:
SBD- "Just stop back in if you want me to ride with him"
ME- not making any eye contact, not even looking in his direction "hm- ok- thanks, he would probably like that."
SBD- "Then maybe you would let me take you to dinner?"
ME- HUH- what? Wait? In front of my kid, really? "UH- uhh.... I don't think so, that's not a good idea." Awkward- like totally uncomfortable LONG pause and eye contact avoidance.
ME- "My boyfriend would not like that." - easy, polite, direct- leaving no room for interpretation....

Ready for this one?
You sure? I'm not... I cringe just thinking about it!

10YO- "Yeah my dad didn't like it either."

OH YES HE DID!

Whoa!!! Ok my angelic, almost perfect, firstborn child..... let's get the hell out of here, like- NOW so that I can proceed to eat you the way I should have at the moment of your birth.
Me- "EXCUSE ME? WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
So now, I have totally blown the recovery of any shred of humility I have left, my reaction said everything that 10YO did not mean!!!
SBD- chuckles and politely says- "No worries dude, I didn't hear anything." - note he was speaking directly to 10YO NOT me, the girl he was just propositioning in front of what had become -a full and bustling room of boarders most of which were waiting on SBD and his expertise!!

10YO and I haul serious ass up the stairs. I don't even glance in SBD's direction, not even a little. Actually, I believe my eyes were closed until I got outside...... "if i can't see him, he can't see me" kind of thing

10YO seems confused...."Well, he didn't like it when you had friends that were boys, he still doesn't..." the poor kid stammered as I suddenly understood what his comment meant. I wondered if I could somehow get him to repeat those same words back to SBD and the room full of boarders in the basement so that he- so that they all "get it."

What is that about???? I decided - rather rationally -that anything my spawn or I could say would only be more humiliating, besides who was this guy anyway????

Here is what I learned from this....

1) See how I jump right back to being defensive? To this day, AD blames me for our split, swearing I had to have cheated. Why else would I have left him, I mean really- what's a couple of black eye's, a drug addiction, and a girlfriend on the side? He was the ultimate catch- I would never leave on my own accord!!!! 10YO's comment put me right back in that defensive mode before I even stopped to think about what he was trying to say.... 10YO spoke the truth, of course AD didn't like me having friends that were boys, whether we were married, living in the same state, or 900 miles apart....

sigh.....

2) my first born is just brilliant and quite possibly THE-BEST-KID-EVER!!!

So that brings us to now. ....

10YO loves his board despite SBD's warning of discouragement over it's size. 10YO got his terrain park pass and started rails and jumping.....It was there he found and connected with SBG (Snowboard God) but that's a whole other post!

As for me, I speed up, blush AND close my eyes every time I drive by the ski/board shop. Then I come home and hug my best friend, ever so thankful that he "gets it" without me having to explain it...

Reflections

2009-03-09T15:58:00.012-06:00

- Photo- Baby and me three months pre-divorce, taken by AD

Ahhh here we go again. I started going through my old CD's of photos today. I have been really trying to get moving on a photography blog to try to supplement things financially so I figured I would pull out some old photos to post. I discovered two things:

1) I took some really good photos
2) I miss my 'old' life....

I know, I know, I must be crazy to miss it. But the photos make all of it look so good. The photos of the family trip to the pumpkin patch. AD holding up the baby to pet the different farm animals. AD and AX relaxing in the hay during the hay ride. The boys and I sitting on our great pumpkin selections...... The well kept and neatly trimmed hair cuts the boys were sporting because, back then, I had the time (think- SAHM) and money to take them for their haircuts without worrying it would cut into the grocery budget. I look at the photos of the perfectly polished floors, all done by hand (mine of course, no one else would get it quite right!) The neatly vacuumed carpets and the sparkling clean kitchen in the backgrounds.... The smiles on the boys faces, the laughter, the intact family in the burbs.

Here is a picture of 'the baby' two weeks ago, bad hair and all.... it's even worse now!

Is it just me or do the boys look a little sad in photographs these days? The house, is definitely a disaster compared to 'the old days' and of course their hair..... that's a whole crisis in itself!They have the 'shaggy dog' do goin on ..... My how things change!

It all appears so perfect in the photos of 'our old life.' As long as you don't know that the hole in the knee of my jeans was from the time AD drug me across the driveway after pulling me out of the truck and taking my purse/car keys to keep me from leaving. Or the oddly placed painting in the hallway that was actually covering five holes that AD punched in the wall -instead of me (should I have thanked him?) This also was a night I told him I had to leave unless he got help.

I miss the smiles on the faces of the boys when they were still innocent. Before AX had to call 911 because his dad was hurting his mom. Before Luke put his boots on over his PJ's in the middle of a snow storm to go "wook for daddy" two weeks after I had gotten a protection order to insure our safety when he was finally served with the divorce papers.

I miss my family, my friends, my gym, my trainer (motivator,) my church, my CHRP sisters, my dog, my photo clients, my neighbors, my home, the burbs, and Father Dan.

Believe it or not, I still really miss my old life.

Pathetic, I know.

Better Today

2009-03-08T20:44:00.011-06:00

It's so funny how the emotions come and go. There is a power struggle raging inside of me. A power struggle between victim and survivor.

The post from the other day encompasses so many fears and insecurities that I have today, however the concerns I listed seem so minor compared to what they were four years ago. Four years ago, I was sitting at home with two young boys wondering when or even if my husband would be coming home, and if he did, would he be looking for a fight?

Sometimes I loose sight of the progress I have made the last five years. The daily myriad of unhealthy emotions that ruled every breathe of my being, everyday. I was so unhealthy, physically and emotionally. My "normal" was so frightening, demeaning, and painful. My body and soul were beaten down, destroyed and I lived with it day in and day out.

I was committed to staying with a man who lied, cheated, and hit me; all in the name of marriage. I had more respect for the sacrament than I did for myself. I allowed him the security of a faithful wife because of the fear I carried with me over my children growing up without a father.

I believed he wanted to change. I believed he could change. I believed if I stood by him, he would have the strength to change. Instead, my commitment to him enabled him to continue his lifestyle and everything that went with it.

With the help of so many precious souls surrounding me during this time, I gradually woke up. I may get down and discouraged now, but look at where I am.... look at where we are. We are in a safe home. We have food, shelter,and most importantly, each other. I don't sit in bed on pins and needles listening for the growl of his car pulling down the court. I don't hide cash or car keys anymore, I leave them in my truck! I don't keep my "eyes open" for drugs when cleaning nooks and crannies. I don't pretend I am asleep when I hear the front door open. I don't keep a bag packed with clothes for the boys and I in the back of the truck. I don't worry where my guy is or who he's with when I call him and his phone rings and rings.... I don't wonder if his hands have touched anyone else today, or if he's sincere with his words. I don't hesitate to leave him with Alex while I run out for groceries, nor do I dread running out for groceries because of the likely interrogation to follow.

I may not be where I hoped I would be at this point in my life, but you know what? Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine a situation like what I am in today... Five years ago, I couldn't even imagine being as lucky as I am today, to have the people I have had touch my spirit along the way. This kind of life was that of others, it was a kind of life that I knew nothing about in my reality. It was the kind of life that other people had, the kind of security I did not know with AD.

I have much work to do. I am not where I could be, but I am where I need to be right now.
I am truly blessed.

And..... W is the one that reminded me of all this. She is the one that brought these thoughts back into conscienceness. Her slight nudge to get me to lighten up on myself and step back to really see.... I love W.

Love...

2009-03-06T06:56:00.005-07:00

I heard something interesting this morning.....

"Love is not just a feeling, it is an action."

Just think about it for a second.
I don't even know where to start.

Blindsided

2009-03-04T21:03:00.003-07:00

OK, I am feeling a little (OK, a lot) selfish. Finding out that W could be really sick totally blindsided me. I was not expecting anything of this sort, nothing even close.

I am feeling like the worst person in the world because of my reaction. My first thought was "oh no, not now. We're not done, not even close to being done. We are just beginning, beginning the mentor/men tee relationship." I have felt from the first days that we were put together for a reason. Despite all of the differences, there is this connection, an admiration that I have for all that she has done, all she has learned and all that she believes. I have so much to learn from her, she has so much to make me learn.....

The interaction we have had has taken on this strange sort of give and take. She guides me with probing questions that as I answer, I gain insight into my 'quirks.' She encourages me and has become an advocate of mine, at the same time, as all of this development is taking place on my side, she is continuing her character research, her 'people studies.' She asks question with specific motives behind them..... Insight, she really wants to understand and 'insider knowledge' that I really want her to have.

So I humor, and actually long for her questions because I love where they lead me. I love to hear her take, I love knowing that I am lending insight to someone who truly longs for it.

I thought about how I don't want to see her hurt and go through a physical deterioration. I don't want to watch her deal with pain and fear. I thought about how sensitive she is and how she will worry about all of those around her.

"No, no, no!" I thought, "Not W. Not my friend, not this beautiful woman I look up to! Not yet, we're not done!"

And then I quieted the outrage in my head and thought "Wait, have I somehow made this all about me? What about Winslow!"

Procrastination and Change

2009-03-03T22:59:00.005-07:00

Hmmmmm… I was in the shower wondering why I am procrastinating with EVERYTHING. Working out, pictures, writing, working on the house…… What was it that I had before that allowed me to take such pride in my physical health and wellbeing? Was I more confident?- maybe. I stopped being really dedicated after I found out about NK in 03. Maybe it was that blow to my ego that made me feel I wasn’t worth it. Maybe D was right that day that he said “everything changed when you found out AD cheated on you. You stopped caring about you. Almost as if to say “why bother, it’s not enough anyway.”

Am I lazy now? Have I really turned into one of those people I used to hate? The one that complains about things, but can’t seem to do anything to change it? I always thought that they were full of excuses, that they were just lazy or lacked motivation. I am that person now, looking for every excuse in the book everything - from time to money.

Am I so afraid to fail that I don’t even try? Am I so afraid that if I try and fail then everything AD said will be true, that I can’t make it on my own? Am I afraid of what AD told me becoming a reality, or do I already believe it? By not doing anything, aren’t I simply living up to his expectations? Am I allowing him to shape my thinking even now? Am I still stuck in the oppressive mind frame?

So what does that all mean? I just sit here and stop trying to move forward just to sit and wait for someone or something to move forward with me, for me? Is that what I am doing? Where is my passion, my spark? When did I become one of those people content on just getting by?

Is what I’m telling AX hypocritical? When I tell him to just go out and try, not to be afraid of failing, all the clichés that I spew at him and I can’t even lead by example? What the heck am I teaching him, that it’s ok to be paralyzed by what others say or think? That it’s ok to not try, to be limited by your fears? I truly believe and always have that you teach best what you most need to learn…….

Could I be overwhelmed? Is it a legitimate thing, to just be so overwhelmed that your become hopeless? Am I hopeless? Am I just hoping that somehow things will just happen? That photo clients will just start rolling in, that my body will simply morph back into being hard? Am I waiting for the confidence to just magically re-appear?

I can do all the things I have been putting off…..
I can get into incredible shape and be healthy
I can take great photos
I can care for my boys
I can make friends
I can make this town our home
I can write
I can give my heart completely
I can risk it all
And- I can heal.
……I have done all of these things in the past, I am capable of doing them all again. I deserve to do them all, to live them all again.

What am I doing? What am I waiting for? What am I so scared of?

I know I am deserving, I know I am, but maybe it is just more if I stand up, brush myself off and then move on, then what? Am I afraid of not being held down, of not being the victim anymore? Is that it? Is it that I have been a victim for so long, and had that mentality, that if I move past it, beyond it, then what do I become? What will my role be then? I know I am a “good” victim. I have mastered this role, what if I am not as good at the next one? Is that my problem? Is this my hang up? Have I become content with this role from my past?

Oh my god, what is the big deal? I can do this, I can do all these things, I have done and dealt with so much worse. Am I just going to allow myself to stay stuck? I have to do for myself, I have to do for the boys. I have to rise above my past and become better for it, not paralyzed in it.